Making it up

This one could be titled the morning after the night before, and it’s fairly self explanatory

It was taken shortly after dd arrived back from her friends, the morning after ds was born (at home). Yes, I’m looking smug and I was incredibly happy - the birth had gone about as well as it could have done, and dd was thrilled to meet her little brother finally.

Now, what I’ve got to do is work on recapturing how happy we all were then I think.

That’s a good one to try to explain - not sure that I managed. Dd did very well at the party, even if she stressed me out majorly while we were trying to get ready. I don’t understand why asking her to do something means that we have to have the flounce and the sighing and general performance over what a *huge* favour she is doing me - which seems ironic when what I’m asking is something like - get dressed.

But there you go. We were only half an hour late

and home again now, cooking tea, dp has departed for his family funeral, so it’s just me and the kids tonight. I’m in a lot of pain with one of my breasts - have been for about three weeks now - and not really in best form to say the least, so I’m hoping for a quiet evening. The jackets are nearly done now, so I’d better go sort out plates and beans.

A bit of a journey to the birthday party of a home edded friend (coo-ee!) - carefully checked out the route because of the snow, and then discovered that the road I’d chosen to use is now blocked off - no through access. Curses, foiled again!

But we were only a little late, and all the little pink ppl had a whale (wail? Seems more appropriate) of a time, and the parents are all nice ppl too, so we enjoyed ourselves as well.

Journey back was fine (managed to find a clear route without road closures!), both children slept most of the way. Then fed them, dp fed, and I’m pottering in and out of the kitchen, cooking up broccoli to freeze for ds, trying to chargrill myself some peppers to stuff (how long are they supposed to take?!) and washing up and catching up on blogs. You know. The multi-tasking mom. (How’s that for a blog name for anyone who needs one? )

Tomorrow we’ve another party, and dp has to go down the country to a family funeral, so may not be much blogging til I’ve got at least one sprog in bed.

Didn’t get to bed til 1am, then ds started screaming at 2.53 (according to dp who looked at the clock!) Took over an hour and a half to settle him down - even tried calpol, most of which ended up in my hair!

Didn’t surface til gone 10, and still feel rough now. Dd back from her night out and thrilled to see me, which was even more difficult as feeling fairly terrible just now.

Started the day with my second life coaching session, which I’m finding really useful. Then staggered around trying to do things like washing ineffectively and so on.

This aft searched high and low for the car insurance documents, then did post office for car tax, library, and dropped dd off at her friends house for a sleepover.

Ds is being a little so and so tonight - went rootling for breast, then looked up at me - and very deliberately bit me. So put him on the floor where he yelled for about 10 seconds then went back to playing and I came in to the computer to shed a tear or two of pain and frustration and update my blog. Therapy you know.

Busy weekend ahead, so blogging might be a bit low.

Let’s see - got up to find email from a friend suggesting we meet up in the morning, so called them and they came over. Girls did sand art piccies, and worked well together, while ds rolled around the floor, and other little boy desperately tried to join in with the girls, but didn’t quite manage it.

quick lunch so that friends could get off to their next appt, then slumped for an hour or two, before dashing off for my physio appt. It’s really made a difference to my back and hip, and the physio is really impressed with my progress - she’s given me exercises to mobilise my neural net (I quote) that she won’t do herself - although I’m not sure if that’s good or not!

Then quickly off to dd’s second dance class - if you’d seen the first one, you really wouldn’t have thought this was the same child. Got her changed in the dark in the changing room (apparently the lights are on a timer, which has been reset now that the evenings are lighter, hm) - she’s got nearly all the kit now, just missing the cardigan really, and as we got changed discovered that the dance tights are footless ones. So she kept her stripy socks on with the tights as well

Took her upstairs to the studio, and she went trotting in. Tried to get the attention of the member of staff to point out that it was only her second lesson, and that I’d be right downstairs (parents are supposed to wait in the changing room if they decide to wait at all) if they needed me, but they didn’t really seem to click with it. Figured that I’d be able to hear her if she really needed me though and went off back downstairs - she didn’t even look back at me!

So sat in the changing room feeding ds and watching all these other women, none of whom spoke to me, even when I tried speaking to them and thought that one day dd had better appreciate what I’m going through for her here! I hated it! But I did it…

Home, food, tea, bath, bed - no sadly that was dd and not me…although as you can see ds went to bed at a reasonable time and slept well.

Obviously had too much sleep - instead of putting on the clothes to rinse that had been sat in the washing machine since yesterday, I put them on for a 60 degree plus prewash! Eek, anyone for really small socks???

He slept for 10 hours straight!

Yippee, happy happy, sleep sleep…..

Now all we’ve got to do is sort out the little accidents from the other room (so no, I didn’t get to bed right after I blogged) and we’ll have night times cracked!

but there is the outside chance that the sleep program is working - ds is upstairs asleep before midnight! So I’m off too - everyone keep your fingers crossed for a reasonable night, please…

let’s see - hauled myself out of bed and got us all dressed and fed and out to the bank, arriving only 15 minutes for our ten o’clock appt. So given that we were late - why did the bloke keep us waiting?

Anyway, dd did very well throughout - drew a couple of pictures - coped with the bloke repeatedly calling her a dipstick (why are ppl rude to children? And can’t help feeling that I should be able to stop ppl doing it - but never know how). Bit that confused me was when she signed her name as she usually does - but mirrored. Now I couldn’t do that if tried! Did at least mean she got s the right wat round for once

I confess that I had bribed dd with the offer of a trip to M*hell if she was good during the bank so duly off we went. Sticky moment when I refused pointblank to go to McDs - I try to minimise our visit there, and just for once I wanted to eat somewhere nice. But the ultimatum of restaurant or home worked, and once she discovered that she could still have chicken nuggets and chips all was sweetness and light again. Then a bonus for her, if not for my credit card - new shoes required! Well, she has had the last pair since October, so we’ve got reasonable value out of them.

Also took her to the softplay area and gave her half an hour - trying to run off a bit of energy. Didn’t count on the fact that the softplay is opposite Stationery Box, and they’ve got laminators and paper trimmers on sale…

I resisted the temptation - not quite sure how. Something to do with not having anywhere to put anything until I do some serious decluttering! Ebay here I come…

Tonight was our first woodcraft folk meeting - found the place fine, and then did three u-turns trying to find somewhere to park! Thoroughly enjoyed the evening - dd warmed up nicely just as it was time to go! - and also met another couple of home edding families, so will be going to other local meets soon (they meet weekly - marvellous!)

All in all, a very good day.

and could I find a recipe? Oh yes, for Canadian buttermilk pancakes, or blinis, or all sorts of thing *except* nice, ordinary, pancakes. Grr…

but we got there in the end.

Other things today - went to breastfeeding group at the local surestart centre - had a long chat with one of the midwives about how to shift ds’s sleep patterns, so from today, making lunch into his main meal. Worth a shot anyway. Dd got to play in their soft play bit and with the home corner, and in the sensory room, so I think she more or less enjoyed it. popped into Lidl on the way home and they had a half price sale on fresh fruit and veg, so now I’ve got a fridge full of healthy food. Good stuff.

got home to messages from the bank (got a financial review tomorrow) and the health visitor (can I call next Wednesday - guess I’m not an urgent case then) and we did pancakes.

That’s about it really.

A lovely day today, with home edding friends doing lots of planting things. Fell out of bed blearily about 10 ish (although vaguely recollect a phone conversation prior to that about woodcraft folk) and chatted with friend re plans on the phone. Chucked the kids in the car and belted off up to the garden centre, determined to do planty things. Well, i bought strawberry plants the other day, and we need compost, and really wanted to do the potato thing.

So we wandered around the garden centre (who knew there were so many types of compost?? Aargh…ended up with an organic one) and got our seed potatoes (three types, went for Foremost, Home guard and Duke of York, as fairly sure Grandfather said not to go for Epicure and that was the other first early available). Still haven’t managed to get suitable tubs, but dp has to go down to see family next week, so if all else fails, will commission Grandfather to get us some tubs like his and go with that.

Got back and friends had arrived before us - togged the elder kiddies up and kicked them out in the garden while I prepared lunch (that had been brought for us, nice one!) After we’d eventually all eaten, we planted sunflower seeds and strawberry plants. The elder children played together pretty well - dd is very bossy, but R pretty much takes it in his stride, so it wasn’t too bad.

After mid afternoon snacks we suspended hyacinth bulbs above water in peculiar bulb growing things and the offspring played some more, before friends departed just before tea time.

Does seem we’d pushed it a tiny bit too far though - dd went into complete meltdown while finishing her tea, and ended up being frogmarched upstairs to her bath to chill out, and then pretty much straight to bed. A shame - we’d had a much better day, with very little direct confrontation, so a pity that I let it get out of hand in the evening, but I just didn’t spot the signs at all.

Now hopefully ds is getting tired, so I’m about to see if I can persuade him it’s bedtime. Night night all.

as after a late night, I didn’t surface terribly early, But I feel like I got a reasonable amount done round the house, even if I did occasionally get in between dd and her beloved tv a couple of times.

This afternoon, even though it as snowing slightly, I togged us all up and we went out for a walk. Dd was thrilled to do number spotting again, and seems to be getting the hang of how numbers hang together. Then we cooked tea together which she enjoyed cooking, and then decided that she didn’t like to eat. That’ll be fishfingers and a waffle then I guess.

Almost got some work done tonight - ds is geting more difficult as he gets older whereas dd was a difficult baby and got easier. Still, keep hoping that one of these nights I might feed him into submission.

I had my life coaching session this morning - good stuff. We made another card - birthday card for a cousin this time. Um, struggling to remember the rest of the day - I know we were about to go out to post aforementioned card when my parents popped in. Dd was thrilled to see them, and they’d brought chocolate and postcards, so that went down well - right up til the point she couldn’t find her postcard album.

This evening ds has played quite contentedly on the floor while I’ve continued getting a bit of work done, and also hacked together the start of the photo tutorial mentioned below. I know it’s rough, feedback required to improve it please. Which part of showing piccies on blogs gives ppl problems then?

And other than that, home ed sparked off yet another weird and wonderful conversation - discussing books to read to dd at bedtime (she’s almost through The Magic Faraway tree for the second time) we segued (do like that word) into a discussion about the decline of religion versus the rise of fascination with magic - Harry Potter, Buffy, Most Haunted, you name it really. Dp is of the opinion that magic is quick fix - ppl are too lazy to work for something so hope for a magic happening that gives them whatever, while I hold to the opinion that ppl are always looking for something unexplained to believe in, and religion for whatever reason (probably because of the having to be good bit) is going out of fashion and magic a la Charmed is coming in.

I don’t think that that summarises it anywhere near well enough, but it was an interesting conversation anyway.

Honest, I haven’t really chopped her legs off, it just looks that way.

Tutorial coming soon to Blog pic tutorial (as in in the next ten minutes hopefully).

My ebay purchase of tap shoes (£2.99 inc p+p) arrived this morning - so I now have an extremely thrilled and very pink little girl dancing around the living room, kitted out for her next lesson with everything except the cardi for under £15! Thanks to Ebay and Muddlepuddle - not bad going eh? (I’m watching a couple of cardi’s as well…)

Will post piccie here later (and going to write piccie posting tutorial too - any little way to give a little back…)

to let you all know that we’re still here.

Not a lot done - my achievements include not throwing the offspring out of the window no matter how whiny they got

Dd is much better, but ds has suffered with this bug today - he slept quite a bit til this evening, when he’s been a total monster.

I’ve also managed finally to bank their Chrimble checks, post thank you cards and buy underbed storage for dd’s bedroom. Well, it’s a start on re-organising.

Hope to get a bit more done tomorrow.

a quiet day as dd up ill in the night so not at her best today - even had to miss the dance class she’s been looking forward to all week

and I managed to get a nap in this afternoon, and ds looks sleepy now so about to clear off, and hope to get some kip tonight.

Otherwise, we’ve made cards, done housework, and watched tv. Not much learning today.

I have made progress with the doctor though. Told her that I’d rather talk to someone than take tablets, so being referred for that, and also not going to see the hv I saw three years ago - really dydn’t click with her and managed to say so, so the doc is going to tactfully make sure one of the new ones contacts me.

right ds asleep so I’m off. Fingers crossed for a quiet night.

to those offering hugs, support, advice and empathy, on and off blog (and even one or two in RL!)

Beware, today’s entry is long. Go and get a cup of tea (or something stronger if it takes your fancy) first!

I haven’t heard from the doctor, and it won’t make much difference if I do - I don’t want to take tablets. I understand all the stuff about chemical imbalances and time out to get some things straight - I understand that there may well be things I can take which will have little if any effect on ds, but what I need to do is get through this without doing that.

You know how sometimes your very capable three/ four/ five year old just wants you to do whatever it is for them? It might be putting their coat on, that they’ve been doing for years or cutting their food anything that you know they can do with their eyes shut (well ok, maybe not cutting their food then), but something today means that they aren’t up for it, they need your help. I guess I went to the doctor in that state of mind. I can’t do it, I can’t manage, do it for me. And the answer was, I can’t do that, I can’t do it for you, but I can give you some tablets so that you won’t care that you can’t do it right now. Hm, and maybe I wouldn’t. And maybe a few days off from feeling down would be good. But when I looked back, I’d know that I’d chickened out, and I’d be a little bit diminished by that.

So I won’t take the tablets. And I got up when ds got up at something past 8 this morning (*why* don’t my children know that children need lots of sleep??? You know, 12-14 hours like the kids in the book need?) and I’ve kept going all day. And I haven’t cried once (close this evening when ds wouldn’t stop screaming) and I’m pretty shattered, but I’m feeling alright. One day at a time, remember?

So what have we done today? Let’s see, managed a bit of housework. Went out to pick up wool bought off Ebay - made it there and back without getting lost (definite pat on the back, I don’t do navigation). On the way back spotted a lovely park so gave self mental applause for having given dd a sandwich on the way out even though it was only 11 o’clock at the time, parked up and went and let her play in the park for 25 minutes or so. (Couldn’t stay much longer as ds getting cold!) She had a great time, made friends with two little boys who arrived slightly after us, coped admirably well when one of them started kicking her down the slide, made up with him, and really seemed to enjoy it.

Then the farm shop (quick ot, am I the only mug who thought the idea of farmshops was that they sold what they grew? So how come this one was stocking melons, kiwi fruit, 5 types of apples, oranges, satsumas, frozen croissants and jars of pasta sauce?) where we got a lovely basket of fruit, veg and bread for us for £5 and a jar of banana jam for mother as a welcome home prezzie (although I’ve a good mind to withhold it until the postcards arrive - they’d better have sent postcards!)

Last stop, another garden centre in our quest for the perfect potato and potato growing device. They had a good selection of seed potatoes, but you had to buy a big bag, so I think we’ll go back to the other place where you could self-select a plant pot full. Dd rather lost it towards the end of the visit, and got reamed out but good and proper when I caught her sticking her tongue out at the little old ladies in the car next to us as we were leaving. Was impresed when she thought about it for a bit, and then apologised though, and thanked her for it.

Another afternoon of tv watching - somehow energy for activities is low on my priority list. Well, let’s call it half term And when I say an afternoon - it was nearly 2 by the time we got back, so there wasn’t that much afternoon left by the time we’d had the second half of lunch. I’m assuming dd is about to grow again - she had three breakfasts, two lunches, mid afternoon snack, and still burst into tears from hunger when I wouldn’t let her eat biscuits while her tea was cooking.

Let’s see, what else have I been up to? Missed out on a parcel of 400 books on ebay by about 30 seconds and a pound (aargh they went for £41!). Helped out with ppl’s blogs and setting up blogring. Made contact with the local woodcraft group - they don’t have a woodchip group, but are quite happy for 4 yr olds to attend if parents stay with them, so that’s another activity organised for dd. (Nice chat with the volunteer on the phone, told her that dd will be home edded, and that I’m looking for social activities for her, and she says there are three other home edded families who attend the group, so that sounds like a good opportunity to make contacts in the local area. She reckons they have an active network, and as far as I know I’m not in touch with any of them just yet).

Also been thinking about what I want to do with my life. I know, by this age, I really ought to have it sussed. But it has caused me to re-evaluate - did I really value my job so highly that I fall apart when I don’t have it? Disregard the money for the moment, do I not have identity apart from being a programmer for a corporation? I wanted to have children and change the world, and if I couldn’t do that, I wanted to write. I’ve got the kids, so maybe it’s time to change the world for them. And if not, I’d better write down a few of the stories that have been kicking around my head for a year or two. I used to write. I’ve even had poems published in the past. I’d like to do it again.

Oh, and another positive note, dd’s friend from nursery has been asking after her, so his mum rang tonight to invite dd to a sleepover next week. Then the two kids talked on the phone and it was so funny - they just giggled at each other for ages. Really pleased that they’ve made contact - I know I should have done, but just hadn’t gotten round to it.

OT of this diatribe, dd came out with a corker today - she told dp that she was going to miss him when he died. Nice to know that she’ll feel that way, but we can’t get to the bottom of why she mentioned it, or what had made her think about it.

Sure there was something else that she said today that I was going to note down, but can’t remember it now. Sorry. Not that you’re going to miss it in this length of waffle!

I should point out that the following is purely a rant to clear my own head, and is not intended to be derogatory towards anyone suffering pnd, or taking prozac, or indeed having any other life than my own.

I started the day with a visit to a doctor - a personal injury specialist to investigate any injuries resulting from my car accident last october. Apparently it could be another few months before my wrist is completely normal, although I didn’t think there was a problem, and the driving anxiety could take a year to settle down. Hm. I’d started by saying I wasn’t sure why I was there, and she confidently told me that we were all just cogs in the machine that takes on a life of its own. Well, that felt empowering.

On the way home we popped into a garden centre to investigate potatoes. Who knew that there were so many kinds? We could buy them by the bag, or by the plantpot full, there was compost at the advised price, but no suitable pots. So we’ll try somewhere else tomorrow.

Then I needed to do a bit of work this afternoon, so I caved and let dd open up her leotard (Thanks A!) and watch lots of tv. I didn’t get an awful lot done - even with the laptop in the living room, there was still a lot of attention seeking behaviour.

I rounded off the day with a visit to my gp. I’ve come to the conclusion that bursting into tears several times a day is not the way to be handling life, and that possibly, just possibly, it might be worth talking to the doctor. Hm. Not overly impressed though. All would be well if I were to consider weaning Small (had I thought about how long I was planning to breastfeed?) and a spot of controlled crying to get nighttimes under control. We tried that with dd - twice I think. She threw up within seconds. (They do that, and get over it, apparently). Small has such a temper on him, I think he would be really traumatised by the process. And I’m loath to wean him just to sort out the fact he’s nocturnal - besides, breastfeeding feels like the only thing I’m succeeding at at the moment (ignore the intensely painful right breast, which could be mastitis or thrush - would I prefer to try antibiotics or antifungals or both? ur….)

So we wound up with would I like to take fluoxetine - what’s that? Prozac - is it safe while breastfeeding? She checked, sure that she’d prescribed it before, but the book said no….so I came away with her promising to call in a day or two, and would I go back in a couple of weeks to say how the tablets are working…

aargh! I don’t want tablets! I’m not sure what I want - the occasional hour to do some work without a child either whining in my ear or sleeping on my knee would be nice. But I think that I’ve got to sort out my head without chemical help - I know that tablets help some ppl, but I’m not one of those ppl. I think it may be time to make a list of what I need to achieve, and just start to achieve it. I’m a capable person - intelligent, educated (hah!) with a not unreasonable amount of life experience, why should redundancy, a car accident, sleep deprivation, a four year old, losing my cat, wondering where our living is going to come from get me down? Let’s face it, it would be unreasonable to not be a tad depressed! So we’ll go back to taking it one day, one task at a time, and I doubt if I’ll go back for the tablets.

Anyone for a beer instead?

clink, clink…