to those offering hugs, support, advice and empathy, on and off blog (and even one or two in RL!)
Beware, today’s entry is long. Go and get a cup of tea (or something stronger if it takes your fancy) first!
I haven’t heard from the doctor, and it won’t make much difference if I do – I don’t want to take tablets. I understand all the stuff about chemical imbalances and time out to get some things straight – I understand that there may well be things I can take which will have little if any effect on ds, but what I need to do is get through this without doing that.
You know how sometimes your very capable three/ four/ five year old just wants you to do whatever it is for them? It might be putting their coat on, that they’ve been doing for years or cutting their food anything that you know they can do with their eyes shut (well ok, maybe not cutting their food then), but something today means that they aren’t up for it, they need your help. I guess I went to the doctor in that state of mind. I can’t do it, I can’t manage, do it for me. And the answer was, I can’t do that, I can’t do it for you, but I can give you some tablets so that you won’t care that you can’t do it right now. Hm, and maybe I wouldn’t. And maybe a few days off from feeling down would be good. But when I looked back, I’d know that I’d chickened out, and I’d be a little bit diminished by that.
So I won’t take the tablets. And I got up when ds got up at something past 8 this morning (*why* don’t my children know that children need lots of sleep??? You know, 12-14 hours like the kids in the book need?) and I’ve kept going all day. And I haven’t cried once (close this evening when ds wouldn’t stop screaming) and I’m pretty shattered, but I’m feeling alright. One day at a time, remember?
So what have we done today? Let’s see, managed a bit of housework. Went out to pick up wool bought off Ebay – made it there and back without getting lost (definite pat on the back, I don’t do navigation). On the way back spotted a lovely park so gave self mental applause for having given dd a sandwich on the way out even though it was only 11 o’clock at the time, parked up and went and let her play in the park for 25 minutes or so. (Couldn’t stay much longer as ds getting cold!) She had a great time, made friends with two little boys who arrived slightly after us, coped admirably well when one of them started kicking her down the slide, made up with him, and really seemed to enjoy it.
Then the farm shop (quick ot, am I the only mug who thought the idea of farmshops was that they sold what they grew? So how come this one was stocking melons, kiwi fruit, 5 types of apples, oranges, satsumas, frozen croissants and jars of pasta sauce?) where we got a lovely basket of fruit, veg and bread for us for £5 and a jar of banana jam for mother as a welcome home prezzie (although I’ve a good mind to withhold it until the postcards arrive – they’d better have sent postcards!)
Last stop, another garden centre in our quest for the perfect potato and potato growing device. They had a good selection of seed potatoes, but you had to buy a big bag, so I think we’ll go back to the other place where you could self-select a plant pot full. Dd rather lost it towards the end of the visit, and got reamed out but good and proper when I caught her sticking her tongue out at the little old ladies in the car next to us as we were leaving. Was impresed when she thought about it for a bit, and then apologised though, and thanked her for it.
Another afternoon of tv watching – somehow energy for activities is low on my priority list. Well, let’s call it half term 😉 And when I say an afternoon – it was nearly 2 by the time we got back, so there wasn’t that much afternoon left by the time we’d had the second half of lunch. I’m assuming dd is about to grow again – she had three breakfasts, two lunches, mid afternoon snack, and still burst into tears from hunger when I wouldn’t let her eat biscuits while her tea was cooking.
Let’s see, what else have I been up to? Missed out on a parcel of 400 books on ebay by about 30 seconds and a pound (aargh they went for £41!). Helped out with ppl’s blogs and setting up blogring. Made contact with the local woodcraft group – they don’t have a woodchip group, but are quite happy for 4 yr olds to attend if parents stay with them, so that’s another activity organised for dd. (Nice chat with the volunteer on the phone, told her that dd will be home edded, and that I’m looking for social activities for her, and she says there are three other home edded families who attend the group, so that sounds like a good opportunity to make contacts in the local area. She reckons they have an active network, and as far as I know I’m not in touch with any of them just yet).
Also been thinking about what I want to do with my life. I know, by this age, I really ought to have it sussed. But it has caused me to re-evaluate – did I really value my job so highly that I fall apart when I don’t have it? Disregard the money for the moment, do I not have identity apart from being a programmer for a corporation? I wanted to have children and change the world, and if I couldn’t do that, I wanted to write. I’ve got the kids, so maybe it’s time to change the world for them. And if not, I’d better write down a few of the stories that have been kicking around my head for a year or two. I used to write. I’ve even had poems published in the past. I’d like to do it again.
Oh, and another positive note, dd’s friend from nursery has been asking after her, so his mum rang tonight to invite dd to a sleepover next week. Then the two kids talked on the phone and it was so funny – they just giggled at each other for ages. Really pleased that they’ve made contact – I know I should have done, but just hadn’t gotten round to it.
OT of this diatribe, dd came out with a corker today – she told dp that she was going to miss him when he died. Nice to know that she’ll feel that way, but we can’t get to the bottom of why she mentioned it, or what had made her think about it.
Sure there was something else that she said today that I was going to note down, but can’t remember it now. Sorry. Not that you’re going to miss it in this length of waffle!
