I should point out that the following is purely a rant to clear my own head, and is not intended to be derogatory towards anyone suffering pnd, or taking prozac, or indeed having any other life than my own. 😉
I started the day with a visit to a doctor – a personal injury specialist to investigate any injuries resulting from my car accident last october. Apparently it could be another few months before my wrist is completely normal, although I didn’t think there was a problem, and the driving anxiety could take a year to settle down. Hm. I’d started by saying I wasn’t sure why I was there, and she confidently told me that we were all just cogs in the machine that takes on a life of its own. Well, that felt empowering.
On the way home we popped into a garden centre to investigate potatoes. Who knew that there were so many kinds? We could buy them by the bag, or by the plantpot full, there was compost at the advised price, but no suitable pots. So we’ll try somewhere else tomorrow.
Then I needed to do a bit of work this afternoon, so I caved and let dd open up her leotard (Thanks A!) and watch lots of tv. I didn’t get an awful lot done – even with the laptop in the living room, there was still a lot of attention seeking behaviour.
I rounded off the day with a visit to my gp. I’ve come to the conclusion that bursting into tears several times a day is not the way to be handling life, and that possibly, just possibly, it might be worth talking to the doctor. Hm. Not overly impressed though. All would be well if I were to consider weaning Small (had I thought about how long I was planning to breastfeed?) and a spot of controlled crying to get nighttimes under control. We tried that with dd – twice I think. She threw up within seconds. 🙁 (They do that, and get over it, apparently). Small has such a temper on him, I think he would be really traumatised by the process. And I’m loath to wean him just to sort out the fact he’s nocturnal – besides, breastfeeding feels like the only thing I’m succeeding at at the moment (ignore the intensely painful right breast, which could be mastitis or thrush – would I prefer to try antibiotics or antifungals or both? ur….)
So we wound up with would I like to take fluoxetine – what’s that? Prozac – is it safe while breastfeeding? She checked, sure that she’d prescribed it before, but the book said no….so I came away with her promising to call in a day or two, and would I go back in a couple of weeks to say how the tablets are working…
aargh! I don’t want tablets! I’m not sure what I want – the occasional hour to do some work without a child either whining in my ear or sleeping on my knee would be nice. But I think that I’ve got to sort out my head without chemical help – I know that tablets help some ppl, but I’m not one of those ppl. I think it may be time to make a list of what I need to achieve, and just start to achieve it. I’m a capable person – intelligent, educated (hah!) with a not unreasonable amount of life experience, why should redundancy, a car accident, sleep deprivation, a four year old, losing my cat, wondering where our living is going to come from get me down? Let’s face it, it would be unreasonable to not be a tad depressed! So we’ll go back to taking it one day, one task at a time, and I doubt if I’ll go back for the tablets.
Anyone for a beer instead?
clink, clink…
