Sometimes you want to go

Dec 8, 2010

—

where everybody knows your na-aa-aame…

Last week as I already mentioned we went to camp. With ppl I’ve known for years, anywhere up to round about 8 I think. I’ve known them online, I’ve known them offline, we blog, we used to tweet ;), we BK, we camp, we party, we holiday together. And it felt partly comfortable, and partly not, and I think the not is me rather than my friends.

I think I’ve been having a bit of a crisis of who-I-am ness. It probably partly started with my woman in the mirror post, and has surrounded the approach of the birthday I’ve been celebrating for the last week.

It’s a big birthday. Changing decades. I think it’s understandable to be nervous. And I’ve been pushing out of my comfort zone and trying new things this year – being mummy to a little baby all over again, took up running, went to Cybermummy, branched out a little on the blog.

Some of these things work, some of them don’t as much. Still working on it all.

I guess what I’m trying to say is that I’m looking for my home. And I’m beginning to realise that a feeling of being at home comes from within. You project your own comfort as it were, and I haven’t been doing. You can’t get that from someone or somewhere else, although some places and ppl are easier to fit in with than others.

So some of the awkwardness is for me to resolve. And I’m going to try to do that while working out who I want to be. But I’ve got to say that the new blue levis I got for my birthday are helping loads. Now if I could only get my top half sorted out so I could wear the white T shirt I see in my mind’s eye when I think of myself, we’ll be sorted 😉

My other problem is that I find it much easier to be me behind a screen. I can tweet and send hugs and blog and chat safely from here, and I have no idea how to say those things and be that person irl. I think ppl who meet me don’t always realise how nervous and shy I really am. And so many of my friends have needed so much these last few months that I’ve struggled to reach inside me to find the strength to give. It’s been easier to turn away and hide in words elsewhere, dodge behind a screen, enter another competition.

(Although I rather like entering competitions, and I’m not planning on stopping I’m afraid 😉 )

I need to get a grip. I need to get more organised, be more who I am offline as well as on. Thank you for being with me, silently, or more verbally, as I plod my way through.

It’s where it is Uncategorised

Home Ed Inspiration, Ideas, and Activities

Click the links below and scroll through my collection of ideas, workshops, excursions, and more to discover practical everyday activities you can do together in and around your home classroom.

Home Education Inspiration

Home Ed: Ideas and Activities

Home Ed: Topics and Discussion

Exploring Neurodivergence in Children

Comments

9 responses to “Sometimes you want to go”

mamacrow
8 December 2010
hugs. it’s not always easy. being yourself. or rather, being the self you want to be, think you are, think you ought to be, all that xxx
.-= mamacrow´s last blog ..The one about pumping in which I RANT A LOT =-.
Reply
ella
8 December 2010
I couldn’t make it today, but I have a feeling that if I had, I might have written almost the exact same post x
.-= ella´s last blog ..Foibles =-.
Reply
Joanna
8 December 2010
I could have written most of that, Jax. xxx
Reply
Nic
9 December 2010
It’s a fair few years since I equated who I knew as Jax online with the Jax I met infront of me in real life. Now the two are merged so I read your posts and tweets in your voice with your face in my mind, and when I talk to you over a tangled ball of wool, in a youth hostel corridor, in a field with tents in the background or over your baby’s head in my lounge I also see that familiar white background with grey plant-y things on it or your twitter icon in my mind too.
I’m so glad you came last week, I like your worlds colliding for me and seeing you in real life as I have a really clear idea of who you are to me. Not at all sure it equates with your own idea of who you are but I like *my* Jax xxx
Reply
HelenHaricot
9 December 2010
jax, you know i take you as you are and do consider you to b a friend. sometimes i am not entirely sure tho what to say as a helpful comment. i don’t need emotional support, just friends who are who they are. I think ‘the group’ [such as it is] consists of offbeat ppl, many of whom are shy, anxious, issue ridden etc etc and all accepting of each others foibles, inclusive and genuinely caring. I think you ‘fit’ and are as much a part of it as any other member and as valued, as yourself. but you are right, you are diversifying and moving on and that is OK too. not that i want to be left behind as a friend you had in your 30’s but have outgrown [ 🙂 ], but if you redefine yourself and find a fit better elsewhere, then you have to feel confident to follow that. x x
Reply
em
9 December 2010
Missed seeing you yesterday.
If you are acknowledging a transition, then you can keep in mind it is just that, a transition that will settle into someplace. So although it makes you feel out of kilter at the moment, that feeling should resolve, probably by doing less about it, rather than more. *hugs*
Reply
kellyi
9 December 2010
Blogging for me is theraputic and started as a purely selfish act. I wanted to have a small space to exert control over, to talk and think about what I wanted to. Sometimes though I look at my blog posts, and think “that’s not who I am now”. But that’s one the reasons to blog isn’t it? To look back and see how you’ve changed.
When you HE your daily conversations can be crazy, and with four very vocal children, I have to deal with insane questions all day long. I don’t mind this, in fact I embrace it as part of our learning experience, but some where in the middle of this constant questioning, housework and driving children around to their various activities and engagements, I do on occasion lose myself.
I’ve always liked your blog. It’s real. I know you’ve had a dilemma about sponsored posts but you’re honest and up front, so I don’t see why it should be an issue. I hope you can work this out – and keep on blogging.
Happy Birthday!
(I did mention the Early Years blog ring in that interview, which goes out in Jan – I will email you the details when I have them)
.-= kellyi´s last blog ..giving away the festive feeling =-.
Reply
Amanda
9 December 2010
🙂 I can relate, I’m never sure how I come across irl compared to online. I Think I’m more open online, quite shy irl. I do believe that when you have children you do loose yourself I think the trick is’nt too loose your yourself completly!
Reply
Merry
9 December 2010
Well, I appreciated the real hug that you gave me. And I’m sorry that I know I made your week somewhat harder (and I know I did because once I know I made another persons week harder without being able to help it in exactly the same way)but I like you for who you really are you know, the one you are when you aren’t fighting with yourself about who you ought to be. But you could probably say the same to me 🙂
I wish you were able to find a way to just be, instead of worrying about it all the time.
.-= Merry´s last blog ..Still here- more or less =-.
Reply