So not a domestic goddess – should I want to be?

Nov 25, 2011

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So yesterday afternoon I had a brief period of feeling pleased with myself. As previously whinged I’m struggling rather atm, a combination of some odd head thing which is leaving me feeling bunged up and remote from the world, plus pregnancy related tiredness (who can sleep with a wriggly bump attached to their front?) and the short days with variable sunlight. So managing to pull myself together after a pathetic crying bout (over finding a jumper that used to belong to my sister since you were kind enough to ask), get a bunch of stuff to a charity shop, *finally* drop off the mailbags at the Oxfam office and get the children to the leisure centre on time felt like an absolute triumph. Right up until the moment I realised that I forgot to put the pizza dough on 🙁

Two weeks running no pizza on Thursday evening. Two weeks running of crying Small. Pizza is very important to his week, and I rather think he looks forward to the next instalment pretty much as he finishes the current one. I hate disappointing him, and to disappoint him two weeks running (though last week wasn’t really my fault) just brought home to me how badly I do at this whole domestic goddess kick a lot of the time.

I mean, come on, feeding the child the food he likes isn’t that difficult is it? In my defense, it’s the first time I’ve forgotten to put the dough on, and I won’t forget again in a hurry. But it’s just not good enough is it? It’s not like it’s difficult, any of this, it’s just pretty mind numbing, and that’s the problem.

I just don’t find it satisfying. Washing, washing up, tidying (hm, not that I do that often enough to find it boring really), nappies, shopping, none of it really does it for me. And while I’m avoiding doing all of that, I don’t seem to ever fit in time for me, probably because I’m feeling guilty about all the tasks I haven’t done that I feel I should have.

So how do I rectify this? Or do I just accept that I’m not cut out for domestic goddesshood and try to work out a way of earning enough money around home education to pay for a cook and a cleaner?

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Comments

26 responses to “So not a domestic goddess – should I want to be?”

@Morrighani
25 November 2011
Being a domestic goddess isn’t about liking chores, it’s about cheating. In case you’re stuck for time next week try a 10 minute pizza. We use a dough and method quite like this often, it’s really handy! http://www.bbc.co.uk/food/recipes/10minutepizza_87314
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Firefly Phil
26 November 2011
Jax, you are you. You are human (I really believe that) and will make mistakes occasionally. But it is an endearing kind of fallibility that encourages the rest of us. To err is human, to forgive divine…
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Solnushka
26 November 2011
Well, you are a better woman than me as it’d the domestic drudgery that would be one of the reasons I wouldn’t want to do home education. I mean, I’ll still do the domestic drudgery if I send the children to school, but hopefully I’d get a break from it too.
In the meantime, I found it helped if I have designated days when I do it and designated days when I just ignore it guilt free. It’s the omnipresent nature of it that’s so awful.
Also, I like this site, although I don’t actually do it. I like planning to do it though: http://flylady.net/
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Solnushka
26 November 2011
But most of all (sorry for multiple posts but I just remembered), you’re pregnant! It’s not an illness, sure, but it does slow you down massively. I think you should give yourself a break.
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Michelle
26 November 2011
You are so hard on yourself. If its for the same night every week and the dough needs to go on at about the same time, why not put an alarmed weekly reminder in your phone? Show Small that you’ve now done this to help you remember to put the dough on and that hopefully now you’ve done that you won’t forget again. If the alarm goes off and you can’t put the dough on immediately don’t turn it off, sleep it or set another temporary alarm for a time (in 30mins) when you are likely to be able to.
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Michelle
26 November 2011
And the other stuff probably should just be delegated. There are three other people who can help with all that stuff. It’s their home too and everyone should take responsibility to respect it and the running of it. Imho.
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Tbird Anni
26 November 2011
Domestic Goddess-hood is highly over rated. Hugs for having to deal with a sad Small though, that sort of thing is never easy….. I like Michelle’s idea of phone alarms (and of telling Small that that is what you are doing so he knows that you are doing your very best for him)
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Maria
26 November 2011
I echo Solnushka in that no way I could I stay at home to educate kids- I still don’t known enough about it and should read more of your posts on the subject, but while I expect it to be better for kids and family unit I imagine it’d create so much more mess!! As long a you’re happy living as you do that’s the main thing and of course you’re pregnant. Personally I’ve become better at cleaning up after myself directly as it’s easier to stay on top of things- little and often is easier but it’s the energising clean space that motivates me most. I’m only just starting out with my family and home with 1 toddler and 1 on the way so in time I reckon I’d try and get a cleaner once a week if I could afford it! Maybe take on an extra home student one day a week…?
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Allie
26 November 2011
Erm, can you share the domestic duties more, or more effectively, with the other adult? I have no enthusiasm whatsoever for any domestic tasks if I start to feel they are my job rather than shared responsibilities.
Also, can you have a freezer filled with things that can give a ‘rabbit out of a hat moment’ to kids when you don’t manage things that you have planned? Another thing that can make a huge difference is to identify the little tasks that affect your mental state positively. I like to know that everyone has clean sheets – even in the middle of a tip of a bedroom – so I sometimes do that just to give myself the feeling of being on top of things!
But, you know, on the whole, I’ve never known anyone with kids who kept a spotless and ordered house unless they needed to for their own satisfaction – or they had an overly controlling partner! I don’t think most people find this stuff satisfying. Have you ever read about Ann Oakley – pioneering 1970s sociologist – who found that ‘housewives’ of the day experienced massive feelings of dissatisfaction and isolation.
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1. Jax
  26 November 2011
  Don’t eat much freezer food, and there’s nothing that can replace pizza. I can always rustle up a pasta something but it’s viewed add a very poor option.
  I need to find some quick achievements.
  Domestic balance always hard to achieve, and am trying to get kids to take more responsibility for themselves.
  House is a very long way from spotless or tidy 🙁
  Reply
  1. Allie
    27 November 2011
    Ooh! Yes, we don’t eat much freezer food either but we do keep some things in bulk there. One is pittas – excellent for breakfasts and extras and snacks. Pitta pizzas can be fun to make with kids if you don’t have time for fresh dough. Pitta is really quite a nutritious bread.
    Our house is far, far from spotless or tidy too. We are currently looking for the calculator so maths can happen and it’s been swallowed by the living room… Ha! Found! In the stationery drawers…
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Ellen Arnison
26 November 2011
Domestic goddessery must surely be a male invention. You can just see it. “I know, let’s get women to become competitive about how good they are at keeping house. Result.”
I hate it with a passion and recurrent attempts to make peace with it are less and less successful.
Home made dough is undoubtedly the best but Small wouldn’t care if it was the emergency out-of-the freeze pizza occasionally, would he?
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1. Jax
  26 November 2011
  You make some good points, except I’m not sure that I’m competing with anyone but myself. Or is it just the idea in my head?
  Sadly, Small would care, to the extent there are no pizzas in the freezer.
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Midlife Singlemum
26 November 2011
Do you have the number of the local Dominoes in case of another emergency?
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1. Jax
  26 November 2011
  None of them like Dominos, apparently my pizza far better.
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Tech
26 November 2011
Do double the dough, then stick your own ready to bake pizzas in the freezer.
The only way I way I can deal with the drudgery is to repeat the zen phrase that goes “Before Enlightenment chop wood carry water, after Enlightenment, chop wood carry water.” And I have come to, hmm, not enjoy, but not hate with a passion, washing up, as I’ve come to look at it as time to think, so I’ve sort of made it into time for me, even though it’s doing a chore that I don’t really like that much, but because it is pretty mindless I can do it on autopilot, iyswim?
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Tech
26 November 2011
http://www.interluderetreat.com/meditate/chop.htm
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1. Jax
  27 November 2011
  fab link, helped tonight, thank you.
  Reply
Merry
26 November 2011
In our house we live as a community. Max and I share the tasks equally, work or no work. The girls tidy up after themselves, empty the dishwasher, do some cooking, keep their rooms acceptable and are expected to be equal members of the house, preparing for their future as much as possible by learning how to take care of themsevles and a home. Max cooks, I tidy. I make nice, he deals with removing rubbish and heavy tasks. He empties the bins, I make sure there aren’t piles of rubbish around. We all spend a few minutes a day returning things to an acceptable level. I don’t tidy up other peoples mess, I ask for it to be dealt with and the consequences of not doing so are fairly harsh. Max shops after work, I make sure he brings it home to a tidy kitchen. I buy the kids clothes, he carries down the washing baskets while I’m pregnant. One of us washes it, the girls sort it and put it away.
I clear the garden and declutter, he composts and goes to the tip. I hire the skip, he fills is. He runs the business, I work on bringing in more business. I make sure the girls have what they need for activities and remember who goes where, we share the trips to take them to places. I keep our room decently tidy, he makes the bed. I plan how to make more space and change rooms to make them look nice, he builds the flat packs. I drive the kids places and pay for them to do activities, they work hard at them, help Josie get ready, do each others hair etc.
We’re a tea; it is far from perfect and I do have to shout occasionally, but consistently working at it means they more or less know how to help and what their jobs in our community are. I’m very honest; I’m not prepared to drudge after them or be a housewife who waits on Max (who would never expect it and works very hard both in the business and here). If no one is prepared to pull their weight, they all go to school so the mess isn’t created. If they can’t keep their rooms nice, they lose their stuff. If they won’t sort their washing, I don’t get them more clothes.
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1. Merry
  26 November 2011
  *Snort* We’re a TEAM, not tea!
  Reply
  1. Allie
    27 November 2011
    I like the idea of you as a tea – a selection of cakes, perhaps? 😉
    We’re far from that organised, and our kids can keep their rooms how they like, but we’re a team too. It feels vital to me – especially since the rest of the world isn’t always working with us…
    Reply
Alli Marshall
26 November 2011
I often wonder who invented the term domestic goddess – was it a man or was it a stay at home Mum who employed a cook, cleaner & nanny and spent her days lunching or in the gym?!
We are too critical of ourselves at times when we actually do a bloody good job.
You missed pizza last week so why not make it up to Small & have it twice this week?
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1. Jax
  26 November 2011
  Started by having it tonight 😉
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mamacrow
26 November 2011
Like Merry, we’re a team, we all pitch in. Eventually it comes round to me feeling that I and Papacrow are pulling all the weight and we discuss it at the family meeting (a fairly regular Sunday event).
Although I do go off some tasks sometimes – the washing up at the moment, there just so much of it – actually, I’m slightly scared to admit, I love the whole homemaking thing. I love aprons, I love baking and (if I can do it uninterupted) cleaning. In fact, I now have a part time evening cleaning job and it’s really rather lovely – I get to clean, uninterupted and with little to no human contact for two whole hours!
I struggled with the whole ‘drudgery’ thing of it a while ago and found I could reframe my thoughts and perspective on it a bit – first, these tasks are repetitive and manual so actually quite meditative if you do them mindfully. Secondly, any homemaking type tasks are a visable, tangiable expression of my love for my family (obviosly not the only one, I also love to spend time playing with them all). Thirdly, I’m actually rather fond of our house, it’s more than just a house, it’s our home, we’re happy here, I sort of animorphorise it into a sort of big, gentle pet. I like to look after it and make it happy too 🙂
Finally, I’ve learnt that in these last couple of years that I can just leave the washing up or whatever, If I’m tired, at the end of my tether, or just want to read stories or play with bricks. It’s not going anywhere, in fact it will wait patiently for my attention, unlike my children; who seem to be fast forwarding into grownups each time I take my eyes off them.
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1. Jax
  27 November 2011
  I think we’re still building our team. Some specific difficulties mean that it’s slow going. Family meeting might be the next tradition we have to start up once we’ve got family film night ingrained. That’s going to take a hit next week – it can’t happen on Saturday as Big has her swimming gala, and that will cause trauma in and off itself…
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Lins
26 November 2011
Hello again!
A post after my own heart. It takes so much effort with little ones (and pregnant – woah!) just to keep up day to day house-wise let along move forward if you’re trying to declutter etc. I find the monotony of it can make me so lethargic and with little ones nothing stays clear for a minute. What drives me on is the thought that I could enjoy a calm, clutter-free house with my kids doing lovely, homely activities but the frustrating reality is that I am getting short tempered with them while I’m trying to get clear enough to start.
Still to put paid to the idea that it’s home education that is at fault I found that while my eldest was at school I had even less time with him so I felt I was just doing the donkey work for him (his laundry, packed lunches, cooking, tidying etc – although he did do some) without the compensation of his company. At least now he’s home educated again we do have more time to do the lovely things too.
Oh, and I agree with those who suggested freezer food. Bread dough freezes brilliantly and I grate huge bags of cheese too so I don’t have to deal with that and batches of tomato sauce for pasta or pizzas. Basically every time I have to cook I do double, triple or even quadruple amounts of everything so I can freeze it. And it’s an AMAZING feeling to get home cooked food out of the freezer and have a day off cooking. Now if I could only find a way to do that with cleaning!
I just wish I found it easier to think of all the good things I do than all the things I haven’t done. You sound amazing to me!
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