to focus the mind.
I feel very torn. While I’m out at work, I barely think of the children. I’m totally focussed on what I’m doing, and on doing it well. I can talk about them in that kind of odd office talk you do when relating to your colleagues, but it’s at a pretty superficial level.
Then I get home, and Big is in tears on my shoulder, and I feel like the worst kind of wretch for having been somewhere else, both mind and body. And I miss my life, even though I’ve got a different one that I quite enjoy as well. I miss my friends, but I can’t fit in socialising and children, and my family just comes first. It’s difficult.
So, I’m thinking this can’t really go on too long. Big is actually really looking forward to trying out the new school as and when it gets around to opening, so despite any misgivings I might have around it, we will give it a go. But longer term, I’m working on an exit strategy.
I’ve got this dream you see, of an integrated living, working, learning environment. The bones of it is that we will be able to just get on with our lives around each other, that there will be work space, child space, fun space and general life. I’d like that we became more self-sufficient or at the very least, not as reliant on supermarkets, but realistically, gardening isn’t my thing. What I am good at is programming, so I’m beginning to think of products I could design and sell, and I’m bubbling over with ideas. Just need the time and then energy and I’m very reluctant to cut into our precious weekend time with it all.
that was terribly waffly wasn’t it?
In other news, Small has pretty much nailed the word “baby” and tonight added “daddad” (Grandad) and “durn” (one of my sisters) to his vocab. (btw, I don’t blog these purely for bragging purposes, although there is an element of that in here 😉 it’s also so that I can see the development as I’m looking back!) Big has only got one chapter left of her Ballet diary, although I’ve an ace up my sleeve on that one, and we can always go back to Thursday’s children.
Right, must be off to bed now, have got to detour off the path on the way to work tomorrow 😉
Comments
9 responses to “Nothing like a few tears”
*hugs* jax. It must be so hard for you 🙁 You know where I am if you need a chat about it all and someone to bounce ideas off.
I so know what you mean.
The work brain thing is necessary on a functioning level, and I too love my work, feel that it expands me as a person. However, not the actual balance I have with it at the moment. An exit strategy for me is not pactical – oh why did I have to be a cutter?? But it is for you, and I await the unfolding of yours with baited breath. I just know you’ll be able to do it.
BTW, at some point, you are going to have to let us virtually house hunt with you!!
Hope you can realise the dream, Jax, and before too long as well.
so much good luck being sent your way from us, as we know how hard it can be – my fantastic job share/work only 3 days, enjoy the kids the rest of the time – ended up burning me out and i had a breakdown. actually that has had it’s advantages as now i can’t go to work anymore so now with the children 24/7. Not saying yours will end in the same way but just sending vibes so it works better – sod i do waffle – tired – bed , nite nite. genuinly wishing you well.
Jax – not waffly at all. And anyway, its your blog so waffle all you like 🙂
It is very hard working and being a parent, feeling torn between what is right and what needs to be done. My gut feeling is that you are perhaps worrying about it too much; the right path to take will show itself in due course. I think Big will love school which will be one less of a worry; even if you prefer the HE thing, at the end of the day its whats right for your littlies, *and* the family as a whole.
Having dreams is wonderful and very healthy for us emotionally. Realising the dreams can be more problematic and sometimes, the dream has to be realised in stages which take time to implement. You may find that part(s) of your dream will have to wait until the children are much older (ie into double figures) when they are more able to be self-sufficient. But that doesn’t mean you can’t plan the dream, it just means you have more time to work round the pitfalls etc.
Sending you hugs ((((((jax)))))))
It sounds like a tough time at the moment – best of luck with sorting it.
((hugs))
Thinking of you all loads Jax – if you ever fancy a weekend away (all of you) you only have to say the word and you can come up for a weekend to your old haunts up here. xxxxx
Hold onto the dream Jax and every good wish for you in making it happen.