This morning I performed my first internet flounce. Well, it was kind of the second part of a flounce I started last night. And as these things are, it was really kind of pathetic.
I’ll back up a bit and explain some more.
I have this group of online friends. We’ve known each other for years. When I say online, I do know them really too, it’s just we met online and stay in touch that way mostly. We also meet up as often as we can, sometimes even holidaying together either at camps or youth hostels. One of those group holidays is happening this week, but when the arrangements were being made I didn’t know whether we could afford it, and so I didn’t book. And when it came around I decided that I was right – it had been a choice between that and the family holiday we take every January, and I think the family holiday is just that bit more important.
But that didn’t stop me feeling very left out. Or Big feeling similarly, which is adding to my stress levels. And I struggle at this time of year anyway. And then various odd comments came out of the group while they were away, and I wasn’t sure whether they were jokes or not, so was really worried about them all.
This, again, is my fault. I’m not good at interpreting humour. I rarely join in silly threads as I have no idea what to say, I don’t do pun things on twitter, perhaps I’m just a humourless grinch. But like I say, I was actually worried.
It was all a joke. And having felt hurt, left out and now embarrassed and laughed at, I haven’t been near our online haunt all day, and I’m not intending on going back any time soon. Which is the internet equivalent of cutting off my nose to spite my face, but right now, is the only way I can make it through the days.
Actually, I didn’t make it through today terribly well. To the extent that I went and did my sobbing in the shower, in lieu of finding a handy rain shower to cry in. Yes, I said it was pathetic. Utterly, totally, completely self absorbed and pathetic. All based around a misunderstanding on my part, born out of being off balance. And at some point I will go back, cap in hand, and apologise. But not just yet. Right now I’m going to concentrate on work, writing, children and Christmas. And yes, I’m doing it in that order on purpose.
I’ve decided I’m starting a new tradition of my own. From solstice to New Year, I’m going to make real life my focus. Friends, family, the ppl around me. And when I decided that earlier today, I realised that a very large part of the problem is that there aren’t many ppl around me here – I haven’t put down roots or built friendships in our new town. So that has got to be my new years resolution – that along with building my online businesses, I need to build an offline support network.
Wish me luck. I think I’m going to need it.
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