Missing in action.

Mar 18, 2010

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Inspired by the writing workshop, prompt 1, on Sleep is for the weak.

I’ve been trying to find the time to sit down and write this for a couple of days now. I thought about various ppl I’ve lost touch with, but there’s really only one who counts.

If I tried hard enough, I could probably find my dad. I know roughly where he went. I probably know someone in the area who could help me out with local knowledge ‘cos I’ve hooked up with home educators all round the country now. If he wanted to he could probably find me – this blog certainly isn’t all that hidden.

But it doesn’t seem like he wants to find me. So I don’t know if I want to find him. What would it be like if I did, and he just wasn’t interested? What if he didn’t care that I’ve had more miscarriages, but I’ve also managed to give birth to a beautiful granddaughter for him. He doesn’t seem to care about his other grandchildren, can’t remember when they last heard from him.

Is it my fault? Was I not a dutiful enough daughter? Probably not. I don’t seem to be desperately good at face to face family relationships. I find the virtual world of blogs, twitter and facebook so much easier to cope with – you can’t see me blushing through a blog, you don’t know if I stuttered or how many attempts it might have taken to find the right words. But I still don’t think that excuses a father moving away without giving his child a forwarding address.

When I think of the times I stood up for him while I was growing up, I could kick myself. I hurt the parents who were there every day, for the sake of this guy who was hardly ever there. I felt some loyalty to him because of a genetic bond that started me off, but doesn’t define me any more. I am what nurture did for me at least as much.

So maybe I don’t need to find him after all. Because it seems like there isn’t anything left to say.

It’s where it is

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Comments

16 responses to “Missing in action.”

HelenHaricot
19 March 2010
(((jax)))
.-= HelenHaricot´s last blog ..By: HelenJ =-.
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Cal
19 March 2010
Big love to you honey, a horrible thing to have to feel. Just got to go with your gut I think and decide whether you can deal with the potential heartache if he isn’t interested……and make sure for sure that you and DH never ever give your little ones any such opportunity to feel these things.
I’m big on the only thing we can do with our parents’ f*** ups is to make sure we do it better.
thinking of you xx
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Alison
19 March 2010
(((((Jax))))) Have never asked before, but does J see him?
.-= Alison´s last blog ..Weird week =-.
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Jax
19 March 2010
@Cal it’s a sensible approach. thanks for the thoughts.
@Alison oh no. She won’t even tolerate mention of his name, and hasn’t since she was a teenager – basically she ceased contact with him when I went to uni and he didn’t call her or make any arrangements to see her.
(Looking back, that could have been a warning…)
.-= Jax´s last blog ..Missing in action. =-.
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Hazel Barry
19 March 2010
((((hugs)))) my parents don’t bother with me or my kids. Nothing makes it better when thoughts of them pop up.
Only you know if it’s right to try again, but one thing I would suggest is make it at a time you’re feeling strong, no other emotional hiccups going on! then do whatever it takes to look after yourself and be nice to yourself inbetween xxx
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SallyM
19 March 2010
*hugs*
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mamacrow
19 March 2010
wow, (((hugs))) xx
.-= mamacrow´s last blog ..OMG LOOK AT THIS! =-.
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Jax
19 March 2010
Thanks guys.
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Ria
20 March 2010
*hugs*
Must be hard luv, and I am sure it has NOTHING to do with you.
Be kind to yourself.
x
.-= Ria´s last blog ..Home Baked Challenge- March 2010 =-.
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Ria
20 March 2010
*hugs*
Must be hard luv, and I am sure it has NOTHING to do with you.
Be kind to yourself.
x
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Merry
20 March 2010
*exhales*
I think perhaps wanting to stand up for him as a child is understandable, because it would feel better to do that than feel abandoned.
And that to decide consciously to be emotionally walking away now, rather than ignored again, is also a right and valid approach.
Ouch. (((Jax))
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Lisa
20 March 2010
As Merry said, it sounds as though the younger you did what she needed to do at the time – I think whatever remains of her needs some tender care (and no kicks). I hope that you are able to feel more at peace with the situation as an adult. I am very glad to have met you through the online world btw Jax xx
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tbird
20 March 2010
yes, wanting to defend an absent parent is pretty normal. So is feeling ambivalent about them as an adult. I do think that making the concious decision to not contact him rather than just letting it slide is much healthier, if initially harder, route. Then again, I’m a big advocate of facing and dealing with things these days….
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Nic
21 March 2010
hugs 🙁
I think relationships with parents are either simple, complicated or non-existant. Simple is clearly easy, complicated is self-explanatory but at least you have a say, non-existant can be because of death, active choice or just a drifting away. If it’s death then it is very sad but again, no choice, if it’s through active choice then as long as you are okay with that then it can be very healthy or very unhealthy, but if it is through drifting away then there is the possibility of regrets at some point. Having been through no-contact for active choice reasons with Ady I know that he has had to work through potential regrets. The harsh question he has asked himself is ‘if I were to learn my mother was dead tomorrow, is there anything I would regret not having said / asked?’ The answer in his case is no. If the answer in your case is yes I would urge you to chase up those leads and find your Dad and ask those questions / say those things. Then at least you get to categorise it as ‘active choice’.
People eh? Bloody complicated beings…
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Michelle
21 March 2010
I think this is not first time you’ve blogged along these lines. Having had soa it’s natural to think of family, it was after having C that we tried to find both M’s biological father and his stepfather as he was from them in nature and nurture respectively, C being the next generation also from them. Failed on both counts. It doesn’t matter now, but babyhood is a time of strong emotional urges.
I think you want to try to contact him and to let him know about soa. I think I would, so he has the choice to continue not to seek contact, but then it would be his choice.
My Nan tracked her dad down after no contact for some extraordinarily long time like 30 years. His wife had died by then and he welcomed the contact the wife had not encouraged. My mum suddenly got a Grandad again and my sister and I suddenly got a Great Grandfather. Was most odd but was very much all right.
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Jax
21 March 2010
Yes, I have blogged about this before, but I think I’ve changed my point of view now. Still not quite sure whether it’s just hurt feelings saying I’m not going to try or whether it’s an adult decision. This comment thread has been helpful in working through it a little more though, thanks all.
.-= Jax´s last blog ..on my way to bed =-.
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