Difficult phone calls.

My mother had one last night, and a worse one this morning. This evening she passed it on to me – one of my cousins has died. Suddenly, at the age of 36, less than a year older than me. She leaves behind two very young children, and a long term partner. She’s the first of my generation to go.

I didn’t know her children, and I think I’ve only met her partner a couple of times. I haven’t seen her in probably around 9 years – we aren’t a particularly close knit family. Makes you think though, and ringing her mother to pass on condolences was a difficult and awkward conversation. We also covered the fact that N had lost a child soon after birth about a year ago, so her mother is now holding on to the thought that at least they are together. Does it help to have faith at a time like this? I can’t really know.

I’m now trying to pluck up the courage to ring my dad and let him know. Despite the fact that N’s mother is my mother’s sister, my dad and her stayed in touch after my parents divorce. I didn’t ask Aunt J if she’d rung him though, it didn’t seem appropriate somehow.

On the way home tonight, I was feeling quite bright. I’d managed swimming at lunch time, and done 30 lengths even without my goggles that I’d accidentally left in the car. I’ve wrapped up a whole bunch of paperwork today, and polished off one problem from someone else’s list, and the sun shone. A good day. Now suddenly I’m a little lost, and making plans for a funeral. Things can change so fast. I’m also feeling a little guilty that I don’t feel more sad – and then that it sounds like I’m making this about me. I’m not trying to.

A couple of weeks ago, we went up on the moors with Jan and co. It’s one of the places that I remember going with my cousin N and her brother, when they came to stay with us for a holiday. N was 9 months older than me, her brother P is a couple of weeks younger. Mother said it was a good year for her mother, 1970, she went from no grandchildren to three, courtesy of just two of her daughters. It must have been a summer holiday when they came, one of those that looking back seemed to last forever. A good time, a good memory. Guess that will have to do.