Chatteris

Smalls playing outside, Jax is off house-clearing, I am listening to Radio 2. “For What Is Chatteris” was just on, by the interestingly named “Half Man Half Biscuit”.

I think one needs to know Chatteris to get the full effect…

One way system – smooth and commendable

Go by bus – they’re highly dependable

The swings in the park for the kids have won awards

The clean streets acknowledged in the Lords

But what’s a park if you can’t see a linnet?

A timetable if your journey’s infinite?

My bag’s packed and I’m leaving in a minute

For what is Chatteris without you in it?

Car crime’s low, the gun crime’s lower

The town hall band CD, it’s a grower

You never hear of folk getting knocked on the bonce

Although there was a drive-by shouting once

But there’s a brass band everywhere

And I don’t drive, so I don’t care

And as a nightingale sang in Berkeley Square

What’s Chatteris if you’re not there?

Like a game-bird reserve short on pheasants

Weavers’ cottages devoid of tenants

A market town that lacks quintessence

That’s Chatteris without your presence

Three good butchers, two fine chandlers

An indoor pool and a first class cake shop

Ofsted plaudits, envy of the Fens

Prick barriers at both ends

But what’s Chatteris if you’re not there?

What’s Chatteris if you’re not there?

What’s Chatteris if you’re not there?

What’s Chatteris if you’re not there?

What’s Chatteris if you’re not there?

What’s Chatteris if you’re not there?

I may as well be in Ely or St.Ives…

PS (No, I hadn’t heard it before, or at least never registered the lyrics, maybe I don’t listen to Radio 2 enough. I edited out the butcher’s apostrophe’s in the lyric’s ver’sion I got off the we’b. ‘So irritating :rant: – then I found a better version by someone with at least some grasp of English)