Making It Up

Contact

When no doesn't mean no.

—

by

Jax Blunt
in

While at centerparcs, I had plenty of time to think and pplwatch, sitting in 6 inches of water as Small plodged about. One of the paddling pool areas has a built in sandpit, and I got to watch a number of children interacting with their parents in this area. For some reason, one of the thing most of the children did (although not Small oddly enough) was start throwing sand about. I think all but one set of parents reacted to this.

“No Thomas/ Cassie/ Charlotte/ James, don’t throw sand.”

Good, as far as it went. But all of the children continued to throw sand. And all but one set of parents seemed to feel that their parental duty had been exercised by the recitation of the phrase. I only saw one set of parents follow up their admonition – a small boy had the sand removed from his hands after he’d been told ‘no’ by both mother and father, and was given a ball instead, thus allowing him to continue throwing things if that was what he wanted to do.

I thought about this quite a lot, not least as I had to keep dodging the thrown sand. Why were all these highly committed parents so completely incompetent in this area, and did they realise what they were actually teaching their offspring? It seemed to me that not only were they allowing the sand to be flung about with gay abandon (it may be that they didn’t think that this was really a problem, and that’s certainly up for discussion too), but they were also teaching the kids that no doesn’t mean no, or only sometimes, and the best thing to do is just continue with whatever you’re up to, as you’ll probably get away with it anyway. And it seems to me that that is a far more significant lesson.

Home Ed Inspiration, Ideas, and Activities

Click the links below and scroll through my collection of ideas, workshops, excursions, and more to discover practical everyday activities you can do together in and around your home classroom.

Home Education Inspiration
Home Ed: Ideas and Activities
Home Ed: Topics and Discussion
Exploring Neurodivergence in Children

Comments

7 responses to “When no doesn't mean no.”

  1. t-bird anni avatar
    t-bird anni

    hmmm, yes, I see a lot of that too and I do think it’s a very dodgy way to start life with your kids! I know that there’s no one “right” way to do parenting but I do suspect that saying what you mean (and meaning what you say) is fairly central to most philosophies of sprog-rearing isn’t it?

    Reply
  2. Ron avatar
    Ron

    Yes, and once learned, it is very difficult for someone to unlearn it as an adult.

    Reply
  3. Michelle avatar
    Michelle

    It’s very difficult for some people, and I’m including myself in that number, to follow an instruction without knowing why. I find it frustrating hearing warnings but no explanation to the child as to why that behaviour should stop. If you’ve never had sand in your eyes maybe you don’t appreciate how much it can hurt.

    Reply
  4. Tim avatar
    Tim

    Isn’t it sometimes very important, for safety, that a child should obey first and question afterwards?

    Reply
  5. Michelle avatar
    Michelle

    if a child receives an explanation most of the time and then can learn that instructions are for good reasons, they will be able to obey the instructions that don’t have any explanations as they can trust that there will be a good reason.
    I’m woolly headed for full of cold.
    Marcus doesn’t often give explanations. I always give explanations (because I was the child who wouldn’t follow instructions if I couldn’t see why. I was often described as wilful). She obeys me far more readily, and sometimes tests the instruction and then the explanation is proven. Scissors being sharp enough to cut yourself being one of them.
    The parents who gave the ball as an alternative were good, but still should’ve followed through on the sand in eyes hurts message.

    Reply
  6. Jax avatar
    Jax

    At too young an age I suspect a wordy explanation may be as much of a problem as never giving any. So replacing the sand with the ball did at least indicate that some things are acceptable to throw and others aren’t, and the little boy seemed to move on with that quite happily.
    I guess I was worried more about the learning about language and interactions – saying ‘no’ with no follow up meant that ‘no’ was just a sound without a meaning which is going to lead to difficulties any way you look at it really.

    Reply
  7. Gill avatar
    Gill

    I think I’d be tempted to just distract with something else or move to another environment with a young child in that kind of situation, rather than have the confrontation and either force a win or fail to.

    Reply

Leave a Reply

Your email address will not be published. Required fields are marked *

Get in Touch

Need support for your home ed journey? Looking for tutoring for your young person? Have an idea for a collaboration? I’d love to hear from you!

Get in Touch

How I Can Help

After 20+ years of home educating my four children (two now adults), I’ve gathered a wealth of experience that I’m passionate about sharing. Beyond blogging and guest writing, I offer several services designed to support families on their home education journey.

Resources to Support Your Home Ed Journey

I’ve put together a collection of resources that I’ve genuinely found useful over the years—things that have actually made a difference in our home education. Whether you’re just starting out or looking to freshen things up, there’s something here to help. These are the tools, guides, and materials I’d recommend to a friend, because they work.

Featured products

Browse the Shop