too tired for words

Jan 17, 2008

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One more day and then I’m off for a week. I’m technically on emergency support cover Sat and Sun for a colleague currently setting up a new installation in Abu Dhabi, but I’m hopeful that that will be a very minimal level of support needed.

Today I’ve really struggled with focus. Tim set off this morning about 9.30 and the smalls have pretty much entertained themselves all day with occasional assistance with food, or setting up digital comics, or finding piano books, you know the kind of thing. I’ve just had to practically wrestle them out of the bath, I think they were hoping on staying in there until they’d turned into frozen prunes, and now they are in bed, listening to Pippi Longstocking. I’m hoping for another day of cooperation tomorrow, and then maybe the car tax will arrive on Saturday, and even if it doesn’t Tim will be back with the other car.

Had a difficult conversation with Big this morning. Tim’s father died at the weekend, and the funeral will be next week while we are on holiday in the vicinity. So I asked her whether she knew if she wanted to go – she didn’t really know what a funeral is, not surprisingly. So we talked about that for a little bit, then tears welled up and she asked if she could go and listen to a tape for a while by herself. 🙁 My children appear to be very much Tim’s children in this regard, they internalise deep feelings far more than I’ve ever expected. And then they work through it in their own good time, and then we deal with it together.

My sister rang in and amongst this, and sounded disapproving when I said we were thinking of taking Big to the funeral. I can’t see why not if she knows what it is and what will happen and she wants to go (and for that matter, the same applies to Small). Am I mad? Surely it’s better not to hide all this behind grown up doors, like the book says, dying is a part of life. The first funeral I ever went to was that of a (youngish) family friend who had committed suicide and her family blamed him – it was not an occasion for coming together. Not the one to start with, iykwin, not that any of them are starting points, but anyway.

So it’s not surprising that we’re all a little tired and frayed at the moment. Even with the funeral, I’m still looking forward to the holiday. There’s lots I should be getting out of the way before then, but instead I’m making myself some jacket potatoes, and then I’m going to bed. I’m ever so tired.

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Comments

19 responses to “too tired for words”

Alison
17 January 2008
I think 8 (8!) is old enough to make your own mind up about a funeral. Personally I think it’s better to go and not have much idea about it, or not enjoy it much (who does?), than not to go and regret it when she’s a bit older.
But really sorry to hear about Tim’s dad – whether these things are expected or not, it’s always sad, and he’ll be missed by you all.
I hope your time away is good for you all, and that seeing family, even if not for a pleasant reason, is enjoyable.
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Chris
17 January 2008
Very sorry to hear your news. Give our love to the white-headed one.
Not mad at all. I have been thinking about the imminent possibility of my grandfather’s funeral and we would take all 4 without hesitation.
Love to you all.
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Sarah
17 January 2008
Don’t think you’re mad at all; children need the same chance to say goodbye and a funeral is part of the process for kids and adults alike. Our three came to Steve’s gran’s funeral a couple of years ago and were fine – exactly as you say, they knew what would happen, they’d chosen to go, etc.
Hope your week away is good and refreshing for you even with the funeral etc.
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Em
17 January 2008
So sorry to hear about Tim’s Dad.
My girls have been to two funerals this year. Well one has been to one, one has been to two. To me, it is a part of what you do to say goodbye, and to show that life goes on. Lots of people at the house afterwards commented on the girls, how lovely it was to see them there, how they made them smile. Death isn’t something to hide away, it is a part of everything.
Once they had been to one though, E decided she didn’t want to go to the other one, but she did do a picture for R to take with her. We did that at both, rather than flowers, the girls drew pictures to put with the flowers.
If you fancy a cuppa whilst you’re over this way gimme a shout. On the other hand if you need childsitter (there must be a better term I could have used), also gimme a shout x
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HelenHaricot
17 January 2008
sorry to hear about tim’s dad. i took SB [4] and BB [ months] to my aunty peggy’s. didn’t cross my mind not to. she was younger, but we talked about it, and they both were spoiled rotten at the wake.
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Michelle
17 January 2008
I think a funeral is also a celebration of that person’s life. Clo has been to two funerals. One when she was 5 and a half and the other when she was just gone 6. Both were her choice to attend. She was worried about me being upset more than anything else.
I think it was important for her to be there. I was concerned that her memories of the people concerned would be overshadowed by the memory of the funeral but it doesn’t seem to be that way.
Thinking of you all.
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T-bird
17 January 2008
Sorry to hear about Tim’s dad.
I don’t think you are at all mad. No kid is so daft as to not notice what’s going on when someone dies. A home educated child (who threfore tends to see more of home life with its ups and downs) isn’t going to be conned that nothing is different, nothing is “wrong”. Hiding it all away won’t help her, being honest about everyone’s feelings and allowing her to say goodbye however feels best for her is going to be a lot more useful.
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Sarah, Dino and Mimi
17 January 2008
Sorry to hear about Tim’s Dad. Much love to you all.
I’d take my 2 to a funeral if I thought they understood what it was, and depending on the type of service. Follow your instincts, you know them best.
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Jan
17 January 2008
We took C (3) and M (baby) to Jonathan’s Nan’s funeral – like Helen, it didn’t cross my mind not to. M whinged a bit, but people said it was nice having the children there.
When my Dad died, M actually came into the hospital room to see him, because she wanted to, and C definitely wanted not to. They all came to the funeral. C wasn’t sure that she wanted to but I more or less insisted, as I thought it would be an important part of her process of grief, as it turned out to be.
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Nic
17 January 2008
Sorry to hear about Tim’s dad. I would also give my two the chance to go to the funeral. If they were younger (under 4 maybe) I’d just take them, over that age I’d explain what it was all about and give them the choice but would encourage them to go for the reasons Alison said about it being better to go and find it tough – because funerals are, than not go and regret it.
Hope you have a good week aside from that, sounds like you really need it. xxx
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Tech
18 January 2008
You’re not at all mad. We took the girls, then nearly 3 to their gran-nan’s funeral, and have never regretted it. Your gut feeling is the right one to go with. xx
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Gill
18 January 2008
Very sorry to hear the news. It seems mad to me that the convention is to keep children away from funerals.
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tammy
18 January 2008
very sorry to hear about tim’s dad. I don’t think it is mad to take the children to the funneral, they need to say good bye too. we took sam to M’s uncle’s funneral last year and while a lot of it went over his head he said later that he was glad that he had gone so that he could give M’s aunt cuddles as she looked so sad.
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Ruth J
18 January 2008
I’m in the Not Mad camp, too. In a perfect world, I’d probably take a child about Big’s age to her first (hopefully…) funeral, and it would be of someone she didn’t know very well. I think it’s very useful to have some experience of the conventions of the event, before you’re at your first one that matters, and you’re dealing with grief at the same time. Obviously, those are tricky circumstances to organise, but that would be my ideal.
Given that she does, in fact, have grief to deal with, I’d definitely let her choose to go.
I went to one this week, and there were at least three pre-schoolers there, as well as two babies (including mine). I think it’s good for people to see children at a funeral – it fosters a sense of life going on. Mind you, two of the kids were of the deceased, which was heart-breaking in a different way…
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Elizabeth
18 January 2008
Sorry to hear about Tim’s dad. I’ll join in as well–it’s not mad. When my dad died, 9 out of 11 of my nieces and nephews were there–from 3monthss to 11 yrs. The two who didn’t go have both expressed regret at not going. It is a natural, though very sad, part of life.
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SallyM
18 January 2008
Hugs to Tim. I have taken my kids to funerals, I think they have been to 3. At each one they have been perfectly behaved and others have said how nice it was to have kids there. If Big wants to go then its definitely a good idea for her.
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Allie
18 January 2008
Sorry to hear about Tim’s dad. Also believe it is not at all mad for children to go to funerals if they want to.
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Layla
19 January 2008
I’ve just seen this Jax – I’m really sorry.
In similar circumstances I’d take Claudia unless she didn’t want to go.
(We will be there next week 🙂 I’m sure we’ll bump into you!)
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Merry
20 January 2008
Sorry to hear this news.
We took all four of ours to Great Gran’s funeral. Josie appears to have been left with a dislike of stone buildings, but otherwise they took it in their stride. It was their choice, i wasn’t going to but they wanted to. I’ve always regretted not going to the funerals of either of my grandfathers and i think it is very much the right thing now, if they want to. The old ‘keep them away’ attitude is, i suspect, a throw back to English, stiff upper lip and don’t show emotions thing. Bollocks to that.
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