one of those waves of sadness is washing over me this afternoon. I still have some residual aches and pains, and I’m getting tired of sleeping all the time, but the bit that’s bothering me most is the lack of purpose I’m feeling atm. The rest of this post is self indulgent waffle, so don’t feel you need to read it if you don’t want to.
I’ve wandered around job sites, but I don’t really want another job. I don’t really want the job I’ve got – I’m good at it, and when I’m there I don’t have much difficulty in focussing on it, but it’s kind of a pointless job when it comes down to it, I’m not improving the world by expending CO2 on the M1 on a daily basis. If I’ve to work, I’d kind of like it to be worthwhile. It’s why I worked in social care once I got my degree, but the drawback with social care is that while its rewarding on some levels, it’s amazingly draining on other levels, and the pay is terrible. So you get to feel that you’ve really changed one person’s life for a day, and then they die, so was what you did all that fantastic, especially when you’re living on baked beans and jacket potatoes, and only have a tv and phone because your dad paid to put them into your housing association house? (Yes, that’s a true anecdote.)
When it comes down to it, I do like having the money that working brings, and the kind of job I do brings in pretty good money. Not fantastic money, but certainly acceptable, although spending huge amounts of it on school fees does kind of dent the overall living level. The kids adore their school though, and I think it’s doing good things for them – when it comes to home education, I’m never convinced I have the patience or even interest to be doing a particularly good job. I spend far too much of the time just loafing about, I’m not interested in driving all over the place to all sorts of activities, and I certainly can’t bring myself to read aloud all day (I really respect the ppl who can do all those things, it just isn’t me though).
God, I’m depressing aren’t I? Sorry about that. Going to happen atm, you might be best just passing on by. I did warn you at the top though.
So why was I trying to have another child if I’m so convinced my kids are better off in school at least part time than with me? I don’t know. I just wanted to. Really wanted to. I guess I’m beginning to suspect it isn’t going to happen – I don’t think right now that I’ve got the strength to entertain going through this again, although give me a month or so and I might change my mind.
Not only depressing but incoherent. Best to stop now.
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