Running.

Mar 20, 2013

—

In the snow.

Feet thudding along the pavement out towards the sea, weaving bergen the school children loitering their way home.

I wanted to see the sea. I wanted to be out of the house. I wanted time for it to be just me, not mummy, not partner, not geek, not liveotherwise, not even Jax. Just me.

So I ran. Then plodded down steps and scrambled and staggered along the shingle beach, dodging the waves, tide high on this spring Equinox. In the snow. I did mention the snow, didn’t I? Up and down steps over groins, not sure how far I’d come or how far I could go. Just keep running.

When I first started I couldn’t run round the block. 0.4 of a mile defeated me. It took several attempts to get that far without pause. Now I can run for half an hour without pausing, which means I get to go more interesting places, like the beach. It’s good living near the beach for that.

I’ve run 10k, once, for charity. And now I’m adding my miles to 5000 miles for autism. I like to count.

I went to the doctors recently. I asked about adult diagnosis for aspergers or high functioning autism. He wasn’t interested. Told me there’s no funding for it, I’d have to apply to the PCT and what’s the point?

The point is I want to know. I want to know if all the various treatments for anxiety and depression throughout my life were pointless because they were trying to dampen down a part of me that is actually normal for me. I want to know if feeling constantly overwhelmed and like my head might explode is just something I have to work out how to live with. I want to know that it isn’t me being stupid, I’m just not wired to understand social interaction and the constantly changing rule sets.

To not really have friends.

I want to know. Is that wrong?

But it doesn’t look like I’m going to. So I guess I’ll keep on running. 3 miles today. (Although I walked up the hill. And then spent the next half mile trying to decide if that meant everything after that was ineligible for 5000 miles. Because that is how my brain works. I need to know the rules. The fact that most of the rest of the world ignores or changes the rules as they feel like it is painful. )

How far shall I run tomorrow?

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Comments

40 responses to “Running.”

amanda
21 March 2013
have you contacted hannah at homebaked? She got an adult dx of aspergers. I have adhd, my gp was unhelpful, i got a dx privately, but even with that my gp still would nt believe me (apparently I m too old to have adhd!!!). Like you I needed to know. Before the dx I had done lots of online test which all came out ADHD highly likely! 😉 It has nt really changed anything on the surface, I’m still disorganised and forgetful but it does mean that I understand myself a bit more, I know why I struggle with things that my friends (the few I have) don’t. It also meant that I had to face up to my challenges and do something about them!!
Reply
1. Jax
  21 March 2013
  I did, it seems the process is very different area to area.
  Reply
Mrs Teepot
21 March 2013
Such a well written piece huni. Wish I could help with a diagnosis or anything but sadly I can’t. I hope you can find answers soon though
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1. Jax
  21 March 2013
  Thanks. I was really nervous hitting publish on it.
  Reply
mamacrow
21 March 2013
((hugs))
try another GP? And complain about that unhelpful git (grrrr)
Are there some online charities that have websites with advice or checklists or spot checks or something?
I know exactly what you mean by needing to know. I’d always ALWAYS rather know the truth, however inconvenient or painful. Then you can get on plan accordingly.
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1. Jax
  21 March 2013
  I’m thinking about writing it all out. I find it incredibly difficult to talk about to doctors not helped when they aren’t interested in listening or helping.
  Reply
Fiona Nicholson
21 March 2013
also learning to say no and that not everything is your responsibility/fault
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1. Jax
  21 March 2013
  Not sure I’m ever going to learn that one.
  Reply
Leoarna
21 March 2013
The disempowerment that comes from not being heard, even as an adult, should not be underestimated. My suspicion is – as it isn’t my field and I don’t actually know – is that the marvellous interweb will mean that someone, somewhere knows about this stuff. So writing and pressing publish is exactly the right thing to do. If your question isn’t out there, you can’t get an answer. But now it is. Good for you. (And while my anxiety for pressing publish on NDBI this week had a different cause, I’m glad I did; has been an unexpectedly good week; I’m guessing that this post might lead to a similar outcome for you.) x
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1. Jax
  21 March 2013
  I am glad you’ve had a positive reaction, I am finding these comments remarkably supportive. And I’m not going to let this go.
  Reply
Iona
21 March 2013
I agree that it’s the disempowered feelings of not being listened to that cause the most pain. I guess you have to work out what your priorities are in terms of a diagnosis and then keep with it. I realised only recently that I have quite a high level of anxiety that becomes hard to manage when stressed, but that’s through self diagnosis and I’m not interested in exploring it further medically as I don’t think it would help me. But I came to that conclusion because I feel in control of it I guess. I totally understand your need to find an explanation. I hope you find a way that gives you more understanding and control.
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1. Jax
  21 March 2013
  Thank you. I have massive anxiety levels that I mostly core with by ignoring and running. I would like to understand myself better.
  Reply
Tech
21 March 2013
I found that doing a (reputable) online test and then lots of reading by people with AS ADD sensitivity and introversion helped me more than any formal diagnosis ever would. But that’s me, independent and untrusting of authority and labels. I just needed the personal knowledge.
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1. Jax
  21 March 2013
  I am borderline on those online tests. I am probably borderline for a diagnosis. I just want to know.
  Reply
  1. Tech
    21 March 2013
    I’m surprised you came out borderline when mine was pretty damn conclusive. (Probably sounds rude, not meant to)
    Reply
    1. Jax
      21 March 2013
      It was a while ago, not sure which test or how authoritative. And I hate conflict which skews some responses.
      Reply
      1. Tech
        21 March 2013
        Would you like a link to the one we did? I was sceptical until DH took it and came out vastly different to me and the teens.
      2. Jax
        21 March 2013
        Yes please.
      3. Tech
        21 March 2013
        Will email it over shortly
    2. Rachael (Tales from the Village)
      24 March 2013
      May I have a copy, too, please? Jax, will you email it over? Mine always come out pretty definitive but I’d like to see this one.
      You know how I feel about this. Yes. Much love. x
      Reply
NinnyNoodleNoo
21 March 2013
Try another GP. (((hugs)))
Reply
1. Jax
  21 March 2013
  He’s not the first one I’ve approached at that practice, the last one tried to get me to join a church. Apparently God has brought me to this moment in time. :/
  Reply
  1. mamacrow
    21 March 2013
    WHAT?! I AM OUTRAGED! THEY ARE NOT SUPPOSED TO BE PUSHING THEIR OWN PERSONAL BELIEFS ON, AT OR TWO YOU!!!
    In fact, I’m pretty sure that’s illegal (sorry for shouting. very very cross for you on your behalf)
    Reply
The Fool
21 March 2013
No idea on the ADHD question but running can be a help for a whole bunch of things. I love that feeling when you’re fit enough to run for 30 or 40 mins and can start doing more distance. A chance to be in the peace and quiet of just your breathing and heartbeat.
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1. Jax
  21 March 2013
  A beautiful description. And yes, cracking 30 minutes makes a huge difference.
  Reply
Sara-Jayne
21 March 2013
I’m so glad you write this. I’m a teacher, and I’m quite sure I have autism. I have terrible trouble with social situations, I can’t hold eye contact and making friends is like learning the hardest foreign language there is. Not that I don’t want friends, I just feel so awkward and ridiculous and just tend to smile a lot insteadand avoid eye contact.
Before I had children I used to run, and that made so many things feel better. Now I keep most of it in my head and try and spew it out in writing to my husband on and off because I feel so stupid trying to explain it verbally. I know I won’t get a diagnosis because I work with children who are so in-your-face-obviously-autistic and in need of support and yet I have to fight tooth and nail to get them a diagnosis.
I feel for you, because I know just how you feel; I want someone to say that this is why, this is what’s happening with me and then maybe if I had a reason I’d feel better about it all. If you had the courage to go to your doctor, maybe I should go to mine. Part of my worry is that I’ll be diagnosed with something else; my sister is bi-polar and I don’t want to hear that this is what’s wrong with me. My thoughts are with you; I know just how you feel.
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1. Jax
  21 March 2013
  The fear that someone will try to stick another label on is something I very much recognise. I cope. I manage. My first job was working with seriously autistic adults in care homes and I never considered it. But the pattern of my life, I just have to know.
  Thanks for commenting. I hope you find your answers too.
  Reply
2. Tech
  21 March 2013
  Women are quite often misdiagnosed with bipolar because female ASD and ADD present differently to male versions.
  Reply
beth
21 March 2013
Hiya,
I’m so sorry you’re having such a shitty time with your GPs, sounds like they are arses 🙁 have you tried any of these tests Simon Baron-Cohen knows his stuff http://www.autismresearchcentre.com/arc_tests
b xx
Reply
1. Jax
  21 March 2013
  Thanks, will take a look.
  Reply
kay wilkinson
21 March 2013
Beautifully written, honestly. We are who we are, in all our diversity, with all our quirks. You are eloquent, thoughtful, passionate and maybe a little obsessed with numbers, but I’m obsessed with words so I can’t say much, lol! Push with your GP for help and if he can’t give it, find another GP maybe? And you do have friends, me for example. I may not be a real solid person in front of you, but I’m still virtually very present. If it makes you feel free and to make sense of things, keep running. xxx
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1. Jax
  21 March 2013
  I think I was over at yours while you were over at mine! I do think of you as a friend. But if we were nearer I’d be hopeless in conversation.
  I am following it up.
  Reply
Hannah
22 March 2013
This is so well written and honest and a really good example of why I love your blog. I hope you get some answers, though if you are borderline it probably isn’t noticeable to others, but if it would be helpful to you to know then that is a good enough reason. GPs sound terrible, is there another practice near you? Anyway, I think you seem like a really nice person and I bet it’s not just your online friends who think that. I know someone who met you once at a blogging conference and she said you were very friendly. Just another perspective!
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1. mamacrow
  23 March 2013
  I’m delighted to second that opinion, having been lucky enough to hang out and visit with Jax in R/l several times!
  Reply
Claire toplis
23 March 2013
High level functioning autism can have a life buts it’s the social interaction that alludes.
My son though not diagnosed has to eat set foods.
He plans any trips out.
Then again I struggle with social convention studying was my solace in life as it seems to be my sions.
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Looking for Blue Sky
23 March 2013
Well, we really do sound alike, I do have friends, but I worry all the time about whether I’m doing friendship right or not. I’ve considered going for a diagnosis too, but I’m not sure how it would help. But if you want one, I hope you find a way, and write about how you get on too x
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Liska (@NewMumOnline)
24 March 2013
I know nothing about this area, but I have read the post and all of the comments and love the support.
I too should take up running as I have lots of issues it would help with.
Great post.
Liska xx
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Pinkoddy
25 March 2013
I think it was pretty much a given when my oldest was diagnosed that I at least had traits. I know what you mean though that if you knew you’d stop fighting against it. I’m too scared to be told I guess.
I hope somewhere you can find the answers that you seek – best of luck with it.
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helen
2 April 2013
Girls/women are totally different to diagnose that most boys/men. The process is the same essentially but you are looking for sightly different things & have to dig deeper for answers as women are generally better at both working out how to “pass” but also at talking round things. Guys just tend to say “don’t know” . You could try national autistic society but I suspect you’ll have to go private. Used to know a woman in Cambridge who did private diagnosis. Can look for details if you like
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1. Jax
  3 April 2013
  Don’t have the cash to go private. On the tests I’ve looked at either I’m borderline, or they are too superficial. Guess I’ll never know formally, as I just don’t have the energy to battle for something that GP is obviously very against me having.
  Reply