Real life.

Oct 30, 2012

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It seems to me that I spend far too much time whinging, and wondering when I’m going to get to do anything with my life.

I’ve had this quote in a sticky note on my desktop for two months. Two months. It was part of an online course I started, that was supposed to teach me to live well, love fully, let go deeply in 137 days.

I did two days of it, then came to an assignment that relied on an assignment I was supposed to have done the day before, but obviously had only thought about in passing rather than actually spending time on, and there I stalled.

Two days. I couldn’t keep up a life changing course that only asked you to do three things each day for more than two days.

I can make excuses. I’m really good at making excuses. I’m busy. I have four children. I home educate. I cook from scratch. There’s shopping, and books to read, and washing to do and twitter to gaze at. And the days drift by, and very little changes.

I hate this time of year. Dark evenings. And the sleeping pattern I’m in with the youngest children means I lose two to three hours of daylight each morning. So my slide into SAD is accelerated instead of controlled, and within days of the clock change I’m wishing away the winter and praying for the sun to return.

But as I wish the winter away, I wish the last baby days away. And I don’t want to do that. I want to savour them. I want to cherish every gummy smile, be present in each crawling moment. And somehow reconnect with the toddler who is adrift from me, and find the time to share with the 9 year old and guide the 12 year old.

Somewhere down the line there is me. I want to cherish me. I want to own myself and my life and fill my needs apart from motherhood. Motherhood doesn’t define me, but neither does this whinging.

7 years of whinging on this blog. You’d think I could change the record really.

Somehow I’ve got to. Because this is real life I’m wishing away.

It’s where it is

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Comments

12 responses to “Real life.”

Circus Queen
30 October 2012
I hear you on that! By the way, three things a day sounds like a lot?! I could probably change my life with one challenge a week (or a month).
Reply
Merry
30 October 2012
You know, when Freddie was in hospital, I wished away his first day thinking tomorrow would be better and I wrote on bright kite ‘we’ve lost our first day together’. Only it turned out of course that we’d actually had one of only 11 days together – and I wished it away.
A while go I saw a quote ”make today count, you’re paying for it with a day of your life”; by inches I am managing to do that. I’m not getting out enough, or being brilliant, but I am managing to make me and the kids see that each day is one day nearer to dying. It’s remarkably empowering, rather than depressing. For us anyway.
It seems in your words you’ve hit a turning point. I really hope so anyway, I’d love to see you achieve all I know you could do. I hope you get the back up you need to be empowered.
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Allie
30 October 2012
I’ve been reading here for many a year and I have always thought you are very hard on yourself – often feeling that you have to make big changes and trying to do that by setting yourself very demanding goals. What you call excuses, I’d call the reality of your life. It’s not a little thing to be mum to many kids, to care for them, to educate them. It’s also not a sign of weakness to articulate your need for help or your limits. All the best to you. x
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eggdipdip
30 October 2012
Baby steps. Just think in baby steps. Big changes are far too overwhelming and we set ourselves up for failure if we only think about huge changes – we just can’t process the many steps we need to take. But small, bite size chunks are easier to digest. As the all knowing Trevor Silvester says “eating an elephant begins with the first bite”…or something, I’m paraphrasing, but you get the gist.
And those ‘excuses’? They’re not excuses. They are great things you are doing for you and your family.
Now stop beating yourself up, sit down with a cup of tea and write down one small change you want to make over the next week. It can be a simple as making sure your bed is made every morning, or wearing lipstick or reading one chapter of your own book (reading to the kids doesn’t count!).
Baby steps. You can do it 🙂
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Midlife Singlemum
30 October 2012
You sound like me. Every week I start out with a plan, optimistic and full of gung-ho. By Wednesday I concede that the week has defeated me. If you find the answer let me know. xx
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Debbie
30 October 2012
SAD is a b*tch not only for those who have it, but also for those who have to live with them. Jim suffers and every autumn we brace ourselves for the depression/overeating cycle to begin again.
One thing that has really helped him (apart from happy pills, but he didn’t like the side effects) is using the light box. Its poss you can get one on prescription?
And as for whinging on the blog, part of its purpose is to let of steam, no? I’m guarded about what I write on mine because I know (some of) those who read it are my parents/siblings etc, so its become more of a ‘we did this, we did that’ than exposing deep thoughts or emotions.
As an aside, is it better to have lots of ideas and ambitions and not manage to achieve all of them, or to be stuck in a rut and not care?!
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Carol
30 October 2012
Want to echo everything others have said.
SAD is just awful, I get it each year and the family brace themselves for the fallout 🙁 You strive to do and be everything you can but in the process you are so incredibly hard on yourself and expect so much.
Just thinking again of the link you posted on a previous post. http://rachelmariemartin.blogspot.co.uk/2012/08/dear-sweet-mom-who-feels-like-she-is.html
((((hugs))))
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1. Jax
  2 November 2012
  It’s a good link, thank you for the reminder.
  Reply
Emma
31 October 2012
It’s a pig this SAD thing -It make you feel really crappy. I have found St johns wort really helps – but it takes a while – and exercise – walking every day – light box used to help too but it sets off headaches now so can’t use anymore. I also have to get some nice uplifting oils to burn and get the fairy lights out around the house – all of these things seem to help somehow….
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1. Jax
  2 November 2012
  Getting outside for exercise and fresh air really helps me, but sometimes it seems almost too difficult to manage.
  Reply
Michelle
31 October 2012
I have my twinkling twigs (fibre optics wrapped in paper). They always lift my mood on a dark evening. We have a jokey routine where I sit slumped at the end of the island in the kitchen whilst M makes me tea and cooks my dinner. I then notice the twigs aren’t on and say “I feel depressed and I have nothing to feel down about”, then he (or C if she can beat him to it) turns the twigs on and I effuse about how they seem to make my life sparkle :-). Daft but it makes us all smile. Every night :-).
Reply
1. Jax
  2 November 2012
  I think routines that make you happy are a really good idea.
  Reply