Life is like walking a tightrope. Some days I start out briskly and confidently, place my feet easily and stride across, to gasps of amazement from the crowd below. Other days there is wind and rain and I inch forward, feeling my way with my toes, terrified that I will fall and drop the many balls I’m juggling.
Oh yes, I’m juggling on the tightrope. Each child is a ball or two, their emotional, physical and educational needs things I always have to be aware of. And then there’s my own life. I’ve had a variety of jobs and careers over the years and in every one I’ve excelled. But there aren’t set achievements for parenting, or blogging or really for any of things I spend my spare (non parenting) time on. And that’s the first problem.
My second largest difficulty is my eldest child. Eldest children get a bum deal. You have no idea what you’re doing when your first child is handed to you, and you bumble through, making every mistake under the sun. I’m an eldest child too. I know how this goes. The other day in one of our interminable arguments I yet again pointed out that Smallest has a mother and doesn’t need another one. She needs a big sister.
“But I don’t know how to do that” was the response. “No one ever told me how.”
It brought me up short. It’s true. I haven’t. No one ever told me either. So without an elder sister role clearly defined for her she obviously defaults to mimicking me. Except it’s usually the worst parts of me. The moments where I lose it and shout. The bit where I fling my metaphorical hands in the air and stomp out of the room. The martyred sighs as I do yet another load of washing up when really I want to be reading. Or blogging. Or crafting. Or pretty much anything else really. How do I help her find herself and her role, preferably while coming to terms with mine? Problem no two.
Problem three is the house. I’m a hoarder. I don’t know why, but I am. With six people in a house really designed for two, we’re creaking at the seams. I waste time every day looking for things that have disappeared into heaps, feel compressed and stressed about the state of every room around me, and procrastinate over how to deal with anything because I can’t work out where to start to make it better. Today has been a case in point, I’ve achieved nothing beyond many nappy changes, one run and lots and lots of feeding.
Pause for some chauffeuring, cooking, housework…
I know that when I am miserable the house is miserable. If I am smiley and energetic it is much more likely that the children will find a balance and cope with their days. So many times I’ve come here with good intentions to make changes, how do I actually make them stick? I think I need to unpack a little more of what is going on in my mind, tomorrow.
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