Just four days.

Last week sometime it started to occur to me that I was somewhat overdue. And that I felt really really sick. And that there might be some cause for that, so I trotted out and bought a pack of testing sticks and hid in the bathroom to test.

It’s supposed to take a number of seconds for a positive result to come back on one of those things, it took about 8. So that’s it, I’m pregnant.

Except I know very well that’s not it. I’ve been pregnant 6 times. I have three children. Not such a good rate of success – we’re told that 1 in 4 pregnancies end in miscarriage. For me it’s one in two.

So I try not to get too excited at this stage. And then last night, just four days after I’ve tested and been overjoyed despite my attempt at caution, I started to spot.

Now, I know that that doesn’t necessarily mean a miscarriage. But in my experience it always has. So I can’t feel overjoyed and thrilled any more, I’ve now just got the faint dread that it’s all going horribly wrong again. And I spent this morning ringing around bits of the NHS trying to work out what to do next. Because while I will self manage the process and stay at home if at all possible, as I have each time before, I’d like to know sooner than later what I’m dealing with.

I’ve got an appointment set up at my local EPAU in the morning. (That’s early pregnancy assessment unit for those not in the know.) I think this one *isn’t* in the actual maternity ward, like the one in the hospital I attended for my first two miscarriages. Which is a step in the right direction – sitting women who are terrified they are losing their babies in a room full of obviously glowing and very pregnant women is just plain cruel. And I’ve had the advice to try to take it easy. I’ll take that on board.

But mainly I think I’m probably going to sit about and feel miserable. Realistically this may be my last chance at another baby. I’m 40 years old. I thought long and hard about the possibilities of pregnancies and the possible downsides and decided that for us, it was worth the risk. But a miscarriage will set me back 6 months, and make the decision to try again much much harder.

So, if you feel so inclined, keep your fingers crossed for me, that this isn’t the same pattern as the other three, that this is just one of those unexplained bits of bleeding that mean nothing. Thank you.