I'm beginning to wonder

Mar 12, 2013

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how social social media really is.

Is having twitter always at my side something I’m using as an excuse to avoid trying to make other friends?

I’m really bad at real life friendships. I don’t know what to say, when to say it or how. I’m beginning to recognise that I’m not actually that much better at online friendships. I follow up twitter friends if I don’t see them for a while, but it’s never occurred to me to get phone numbers and text, or drop people an email, or message them through facebook. It’s not that I don’t care – I care deeply, but I’ve never wanted to intrude. I guess I can’t tell the difference between intruding and conversing.

So, if I didn’t have twitter in my phone wherever I go, would I have made friends I could have coffee with?

I don’t know how you do that. My biggest group of friends are the home educators I met 10 years ago. They’ve been added to over the years as new home educators have joined us. But I’ve not made any more connections even via home ed groups since then – not helped by the fact that my children don’t really like groups, so we don’t get to go very often.

I don’t know how you do this stuff. And I’m lonely. I go days without speaking out loud to anyone outside the family, excepting cashiers in shops. That’s regular, not occasionally. There are a few parents I bump into here and there, but no one I can just call up or drop in on, and spend time with.

How do you do that?

How do you make friends?

If I can’t work that out for myself, how do I expect to help my kids do it?

Perhaps I should come off social media and make myself work it out.

It’s where it is

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Comments

24 responses to “I'm beginning to wonder”

Midlife Singlemum
13 March 2013
I hate to say it, but some of my friends these days are the mothers of DD’s school friends, cemented over a coffee while the kids have a play date or a chat on the bench while they play together in the park. Are there any mothers at swimming you could have a coffee with while the kids are in the pool?
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1. Jax
  13 March 2013
  See, I used to do that. And then they moved to sit with other people. Which didn’t exactly make me feel I was being desperately successful on the making friends front.
  Reply
Catherine Marshall
13 March 2013
Social media can also help the introverted and shy amongst us to express ourselves. It is still a valid form of interaction and I enjoy reading your tweets. I work from home and fall into the danger of not seeing anyone for long periods of time, so I try and make a lunch date once a week to meet a friend. If your home-ed friends live far away it is hard to keep in touch. I don’t think you have to give up your social networking, but see if anyone is in a similar position to you near where you live. Hope this helps.
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1. Jax
  13 March 2013
  It’s that finding someone nearby bit that I’m struggling with.
  Reply
Michelle
13 March 2013
I think you make friends with ppl with shared interests. That’s why many make friends at the school gate. M joined the camera club. You could consider a local book group or running club or a hobby that needs physical grouping if that’s what you want eg friends do pottery classes. Then it needs sticking with or maybe trying a different group. Eg m tried a cycling club but it was very competitive. I found a less competitive group and he was invited to join that too (they do cycle rides and pub after) but he kept coming up with excuses. He’s very frustrating and means he becomes dependent on me for social interaction (as in non work interaction) which isn’t good. Other friends have made friends through special needs parenting groups (hearing impaired or aspergers groups as example – also loved that the phone corrected to as perfects!
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1. Jax
  13 March 2013
  I have looked into WI, there is one group nearby that doesn’t meet middle of the day. I think maybe I should follow that up.
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Monika
13 March 2013
Friends are so hard to keep up with these days. I find social media is good at dipping in and out when time allows and people are more forgiving when you go silent for a while.
I also have a cross over from SM to RL… these are people I share interests with, respect their opinions.
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1. Jax
  16 March 2013
  It’s hard to fit yourself in around the children, isn’t it?
  Reply
Another Goldfish
13 March 2013
I’m not very good at making friends either, but groups definitely help you find people with similar interests. Most people I know now through Quakers and the WI. Is there maybe a book group at the local library?
Unfortunately I think I’m even worse at making friends online!
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1. Jax
  16 March 2013
  Not sure, will have to look into it. And if there isn’t maybe I should set one up.
  Reply
Sarah
13 March 2013
Sometimes I think friends are over-rated. By the time I’ve finished work (and I do count work-mates as friends, but generally limited to work hours with the occasional social night out), and done Mum-stuff, I have very little time for friends. There is nothing wrong with social media friends – all of my *best* friends are that sort, with the very sporadic get-together irl. When I was at home with toddlers church was my main source of friends, but it did change when HEing as it’s a very different kettle of fish.
We have trouble with ‘joint’ friends … Steve and I have just about stayed best friends despite parenting teenagers together (!!) but we don’t have many friends that we *both* count as friends.
Anyway, yes, bit of a tricky one. Just don’t get hung up on it … life’s too short …
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1. Jax
  16 March 2013
  I’m not getting hung up on it – but when I go for days and the only adults I speak to IRL are Tim and the cashiers in Lidl, something has to give. I don’t have that going out to work thing. And we don’t get out to many activities or groups either. I’m not saying there’s anything wrong per se with social media friends, but that I feel I’m missing on the sitting chatting with someone bit of it. Like when I lived near Kirsty, or Jan, or Barbara, and got to spend an afternoon, or an evening just being with someone.
  Yeah, I miss it.
  Reply
Jaydubblah
14 March 2013
I have made 2 really good real life friends through Twitter. It isn’t easy when you are at home a lot. Groups etc require a commitment to a regular time and place and I can’t do that.
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1. Jax
  16 March 2013
  For a variety of reasons groups are difficult for me too. Twitter does help, but sometimes there is that alone in a crowd sensation going on.
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Leoarna
15 March 2013
Hey J, I’ve been a bit quiet lately, but, today, when something really crappy happened in my life, you were one of the people I thought about talking with; I had a sense that you would have presented me just the right balance of empathy and practical suggestion. Someone wise said to me last week that when you are at your most vulnerable, SM is the last place to be as your tweeted plea for help will meet silence – BUT – I think it is possibe to turn the people one meets as we have into RL friends too. I hope you’ve found some answers to your questions and are finding ways to establish real life friends in your locale too. (And, the chum who’s helping me with logo design came by today, so….!) L x
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1. Jax
  16 March 2013
  Hey there, thanks for dropping by, and I’m pleased I was in mind as being helpful – I hoped it helped to think you might have someone to turn to. And if you want to give it a whirl, feel free.
  Looking forward to taking your logo ideas forward to 🙂
  Reply
Sam
16 March 2013
I am lousy at making friends since leaving school – many, many years later and I have to say I don’t have any real friends. I get really down about it sometimes and when I look around it seems like everybody else has a gang of mates and finds it very easy. Since settling down I feel as though I’m actually a bit of a bore now 🙂 , I don’t drink anymore and my interests are very homely. I’m also rubbish at small talk, seems as though everybody is hun this and hun that (makes me cringe!) My 3 yo son has autism so the last few friends I did have, well they lost interest as we couldn’t join them for pub lunches etc – they just didn’t understand. I’m very lonely at home during the day and find twitter is good for feeling less so. Hopefully as my son gets older I’ll make some mum friends.
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1. Jax
  16 March 2013
  Are there any support groups nearby? Who would welcome you *and* your son? Worth looking into. I hope you find some friends.
  Reply
em
16 March 2013
Hope you know you are welcome to drop in here with or without children any time.
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1. Jax
  16 March 2013
  Yes I do, thanks. And must do soon, been ages since we’ve been by.
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Ninja cat
16 March 2013
I struggle to make friends.
I am pleased to say I have met one very kind people on twitter yourself included , you have restored my faith in blogging.
Thank you for your advice x
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1. Jax
  16 March 2013
  I hope it helped! And thank you for the compliment 🙂
  Reply
Eliza_Do_Lots
16 March 2013
I come across as quite confident and I’m reasonably good, after forcing myself to do it, at chatting to people I bump in to – for example I deliberately go alone to the conferences and don’t set too much in stone about spending time with people because I want to HAVE to speak to people and open new lines of conversation up – but people do give me odd looks when I just start conversations randomly – I make myself talk to people all over the place.
But I don’t often phone people, am a nightmare to get hold of on the phone as I rarely pick it up, and I am even worse at visiting or having visitors – I almost always drop out at the last minute for one reason or another.
I don’t think that’s a bad thing, though I do sometimes wish I had more close friends locally, but I just can’t see where I’d create time to dedicate to those relationships when my life already feels full.
I feel I’d be a burden on them, partly, and that they wouldn’t like me as much as I do them – but more than that I’m happy in my own company and that of my family. Anything else I need on top of that I get through social media, which has the added bonus of me not needing to wear a bra to speak to anyone, or brush my hair.
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1. Jax
  16 March 2013
  I just don’t bother with the bra or the brush. Which may be part of my problem 😉
  Reply