I didn't bring any flowers.

Jul 15, 2008

—

Today we went to the cemetery to bury Katrin’s ashes. I didn’t take flowers. I didn’t realise I was supposed to take flowers. Everyone else took flowers apart from Bil, who didn’t as he bumped into D and mother in the florist and they were already getting flowers.

Was I supposed to know that I should have thought of taking flowers? This is the part of life that makes me wonder about myself – it didn’t occur to me to think about what I should take. Just like when all the rest of them were buying magazines and gifts to put in the coffin, I didn’t do any of that either. I don’t care any less, or hurt any less, but I didn’t write letters or bring flowers. I didn’t take Tim with me either, and both the other partners turned up – somehow I’d assumed that this would be just family and Bil, but given no one had actually spoken to me about it it wasn’t surprising that I didn’t get it right. Then again, I suppose they are family in that J is married, and K is engaged and would have been getting married this Friday.

We went on for something to eat afterwards – I sat and felt like an alien, as I pretty much always do, as they share recollections that I either wasn’t there for, or that I just don’t recall that way. I’m tired tonight and not overly coherent – Tim realised that I needed some headspace of my own and when I got back early with the children (A chucked me out even though there were a couple of hours of the working day left by the time I got back to school) I went and joined the library rather than trying to socialise and have spent a lovely hour looking through Drawing and Painting Fantasy Worlds and Complete Origami: Techniques and Projects for All Levels

I think I may do some more reading. I’ve got lots of muttar paneer to eat – I need practise making it though, it really doesn’t have a lot of flavour. Still worth it, lots cheaper than buying it in a ready meal, and no nasty plastic tray to dispose of.

It’s where it is

Home Ed Inspiration, Ideas, and Activities

Click the links below and scroll through my collection of ideas, workshops, excursions, and more to discover practical everyday activities you can do together in and around your home classroom.

Home Education Inspiration

Home Ed: Ideas and Activities

Home Ed: Topics and Discussion

Exploring Neurodivergence in Children

Comments

8 responses to “I didn't bring any flowers.”

Sarah
15 July 2008
Not sure what to say really 🙁 Hope you don’t feel that people judge you for what you do or don’t do/say/bring – you can’t be anything other than yourself.
Reply
Merry
15 July 2008
I might have done it, but to be honest i’m overly sentimental and i might have taken Max, but for support because i’d want someone else to shoulder it for me. But actually, i’ve been the support at that event and i don’t think any support helps much.
You are you, you had your childhood and you have your feelings. People react in their own ways to all sorts of things; lots of people grieve for people they didn’t like, or weep for babies they didn’t plan and didn’t want, after all. You can’t alter how you react and do try to mould it to other peoples ideas of the process would harm you and be of no use to anyone else either, so don’t try. Plus, lots of people do what they “think” they should do, based on Neighbours or something – what you chose to do was true to you.
(And frankly, magazines? What would a logical person like you be doing putting a magazine in there for?)
I hope that helps a bit. Stop trying to measure your grief – i am pretty sure no one in your family is muttering “That Jax, she doesn’t care..” and even if they are, it is a desperate attempt to deflect the anger and pain of grief at something and you should let it wash beneath you.
I hope that helps a bit. Hugs.
Reply
Michelle
15 July 2008
I would have done the same as you Jax but not sure that will make you feel better ;-). I personally don’t like the pratice of taking something else alive and cutting it so that it, too, will be dead, only making money for the florist. Charitable donation to a charity K would have supported or liked to support is a far better use of money, time and thought.
I would like to say that you need to be true to yourself and brush off what they think or what you think they think. But as I think it matters to you a lot what they think then that comment won’t be much help.
Headache getting worse now?
I donate to charity and toast their memory with a glass of something particularly nice.
xx
Reply
Joanna
15 July 2008
I never think of doing the things everyone else takes for granted, either. Hugs.
Reply
Ruth
16 July 2008
It’s all so personal to you, though, isn’t it? All those things – the flowers, the magazines – they were about helping your family to express their grief in a way that THEY could makes sense of. If it doesn’t help you, to the point of not even occuring to you, then what would be the point? It’s unlikely to help K any.
My family don’t really do graves. I don’t know why – we never have. I suspect it comes from being to poor for them, generations ago. We tend to cremate, and to just not bother with the ashes scattering/memorial plaque business. We grieve, but not at the graveside. It doesn’t diminish the grief, any more than it diminishes yours.
You were only supposed to take flowers if you WANTED to take flowers, and anyone who says differently is trying to make themselves feel better by making you feel worse. Don’t take that on.
Reply
Gill
16 July 2008
I wouldn’t have done flowers either. And certainly not magazines! They just wouldn’t have occured to me at all. BUT if I was planning to do something like that for a sibling, I’d have told/asked all the others so that nobody felt left out. 😕
Families, eh?
I agree with the other comments that recommend not measuring yourself by others’ standards though. Very wise.
Reply
t-bird anni
16 July 2008
I wouldn’t think to take flowers, nor many other things on those lines although I’m quite insistant that Duke is going out in his Red Cross uniform so maybe I am sentimental after all? I doubt anyone would think any different of you either way really, it’s just people doing what helps them somehow and if that’s a trip to the florist or a charity donation or a magasine then fine and if its just standing there and remembering then that’s fine too. Mind you, I think you should buy yourself some flowers, or choccies or something so you can smile and remember some of the good times, but that’s just me!
Reply
Allie
16 July 2008
What other people do doesn’t matter. The whole ‘joining in’ thing can be so over-rated and, I suspect, especially so at times like these. Walking your own path and hearing your own feelings is what matters. Thinking of you still.
Reply