I can't face it

[Beware, much techy speak moaning and groaning below]

I’ve got open boxes of books littering the downstairs of the house, ready and waiting for me to code this blasted bookshop I’ve been designing in my head for the last year or more. I’ve spent an hour exploring cvs (version control systems) in the hope that I could put into practise one of the pragmatic programmer tips, and use version control for the system.

I can’t figure out the first thing about cvs – I think I need a linux box to run as a server for it, and then I’d have to have apache on the linux box. I don’t know anything about linux. I’ve never set up apache. Bits where it talks about bootstrapping tarballs mean about as much to me as they do to my average reader (Jonathan, if you’re out there, I suspect in this instance you are far from average). My head hurts – I just want to code a site, exploring some development tools and methodologies along the way, and I can’t figure out the best starting point at all.

And I’m signed up to write a novel in a month starting in two days time, (which I would really like to do, don’t get me wrong, being a writer was my second life time ambition, second only to being a vet, which ain’t ever going to happen now, so I’d quite like to get the second one under my belt (having children wasn’t an ambition, it was just something I was going to do)), I’m trying to get my head around what I need to do to the house in order to be able to sell it, I’ve got a residual stress level still about working, children and education (I miss my children/ I like working – anyone for a quick inaccurate schizophrenia stereotype?)

I’ve lost track of so many things that I’m supposed to be doing and have started, mislaid, can’t do, waiting for other bits from ppl, so on and so forth, and I seem to be letting my life run away through my fingers rather than actually living it.

How did I get here? Today, now? Life is what happens when you are busy making other plans…I didn’t make plans, was that the problem? Is it possible to control stuff? Or is that just even more stressful?

Kids have been pretty great today, up until bedtime, which was late, because shortly after Katy left (lovely visit, really enjoyed having you round) I started with a headache and a dazed feeling, Tim suggested a nap, and I passed out for the best part of two hours. (And then passed out again with a cup of tea in my hand when he tried to wake me up gently!) Anyway, so bedtime was late and unpleasant, with horridly tired grumpy small ppl, and despite my nap, I still feel rather tired myself.

Which all goes to confirm that I made the right decision not to trek to the Halloween do this weekend, but doesn’t make me feel any better to know that so many of my friends are together having a wonderful time (and leaving blogland rather bereft!) and I’m not there. Sniff.

I’m getting nowhere here. I have at least performed major kitchen excavation. There’s washing finishing airing in the bathroom (or more likely, steaming gently as Tim’s just gone for a bath!) and more on the line. Katy did take away a couple of books, and some bathbomb stuff, as well as some of my stash overstock, so a couple more things have left the house today. But there’s so much stuff – and so many of the books I bought are basically crap, so I found going through the boxes extremely depressing. I don’t know what I was thinking a year ago when I bought them all, but it certainly wasn’t anything sensible.

I’m making myself more depressed by the minute here. Wish I could find my wool and finish off the hoodie. Then at least I’d have achieved something productive today. I think I’ll turn off the machine, perform a wool hunt, and take my crochet up to bed. g’night all.