And no one tell me I shouldn’t. Big and I rowed – I had three days left with her and her friends mum rang to take her out for the day. I couldn’t stand in her way, and it’s not as if I had anything fun planned, so she got ready to go out to the local adventure playground. Except she didn’t, and that was why we rowed. She asked me what to wear, and I said a sunsuit, and she wailed and whined and moaned, and shouted and stamped.
Eventually she went out in a sunsuit, but not before she had brought me to tears. I do *not* want to spend my time with her shouting at her, and she ended up in tears as well when I said as much. Which was probably an unfair thing to say to a five year old, but don’t bother telling me that either, I know.
I really do feel that I’ve wasted this couple of years with them. Oh, I know I’ve been in the house, but far too often I’ve been behind a computer screen, and not actually doing anything useful behind there, just pratting around, reading forums, emails, lists, blogs or playing games. Well, at least if I go out to work I won’t feel guilty for not contributing, and I might be able to focus my mind on the time that I do get at home.
So Big was out most of the day, and Small and I were out most of the afternoon. I’m not sure he has any idea what is coming up on him, but I daresay he’ll get by. He’s really changing at the moment, has started building himself train tracks that sometimes almost meet 😉 can manage all sorts of things on the computer (was playing matching games on Jump Ahead 1 this afternoon!), but still prefers signing to speaking. His signing is becoming clearer daily – today he asked for help without prompting. He also managed to put one and a half shoes on, which seemed pretty good to me.
This evening we finished reading Ballet Shoes – I really struggled at the end. My other difficulty with reading aloud is that I get terribly emotional, and reading while you are dripping is difficult. Especially when you are interrogated as to why you are dripping and you have no real explanation thereof.
Tim wrestled Small into bed, and Big and I came down and read one of her library books – Mary and the Fairy I think. Her reading is definitely improving, but I really wish she could read sitting still, rather than twisting one leg around and sticking it over her shoulder and kicking me and so on. She’s now at a point where she guesses a word that fits rather than just any old word that springs to mind, which I suppose is progress, but I still wish that she would look at the words in front of her a little more closely.
Think I forgot to mention that we went to the library yesterday, with her desperate to hand in her Reading Voyage card, and they’d had a bit of a run, and used up all 12 certificates they’d been sent. I hate disappointing her – I hate disappointing anyone. Think that’s why I offer to do so much, which is counterproductive as I then end up letting ppl down. An area I need to work on methinks. Anyway, I really don’t feel that our local authority has got behind the reading voyage idea, there’s no ceremony or anything like that here, just a certificate, a medal and a pencil. No roll of honour on the wall, or the slightest song and dance about it. Pathetic really. Worth a letter suggesting improvements, if I could face it.
Right, I’m off to do a bit more work on the baby hoodie. Having problems with the pattern, not quite sure that I understand what shape the front pieces are supposed to be. Can’t see how what I’ve got is going to fit together. 🙁 The pattern doesn’t offer a lot of help – not quite sure how “Pin garment pieces to measurements” (what measurements would those be then?) There is a bit about square armholes, and I’m not going to have square armholes, but I’m stuffed if I can work out how it’s supposed to work. Bother.
Comments
11 responses to “Cried a little this morning.”
absolutely cry – my april / may blog is covered in crying!
you haven’t wasted it Jax, it may not have the rosy glow of perfection, but perfection for 2 years???? I think not! We all do distractions – blog/email and for some [god knows why!!] housework. This is because we need some headspace, and these distraction activities give it.
your children happy healthy and adore you [yes obviously] so you may not be perfect, but obviously good enough.
yep, i feel guilty about similar things, but that is me wishing to be able to make up in retrospect for what i perceive they will feel they lack in the present.
SB and BB – but mainly SB do miss me, and SB would rather I didn’t work. She does understand the economics of it, knows I love her, that job important, and has a great time with Chris or at nursery in my absence. it is mostly me that is upset – though Im sure SB and BB would grab more mummy time if offered.
i agree, concentrate on the present without regret for the past best thing. Don’t wear yourself to frazzle though [not that I actually follow this piece of advice myself!]
hugs, sympathy and hope its not so bad. Some time at work is actually enjoyable – adult conversation [well, obviously depending on managers presence!], no screaming and wailing [ditto] and ability to focus!
no help with the hoodie though
oh, and on the crying front, SB actually mentioned not to read one of her thomas books cos I always cry – and its tru, its the one about the old engine that just tries once more – and Im welling up now! think it has a lot to do with missing grandparents
(((jax)))
It will come right 🙂 Promise.
There comes a point where thinking about doing it is almost worse than doing it. You know, my mother didn’t work when i was really small, but I suspect that I am in lots of ways more available to Hannah than she was to me. I don’t do a quarter of the cleaning she did. I have a lot more in the way of labour saving gadgets, i don’t worry about what the nighbours might think about a whole lot of things. because I don’t clean so much, I don’t fuss about mess so much either. No one is perfect.
Pin to measurements – it just means look at the pattern, and see what they give you for all the dimensions. Sleeve length, back length etc. Lay the peices (or the garment – I always do it after sewing up), on a thick padded surface, like a towel, and using rust proof pins (very imp), gently stretch it to the exact dimension, (or scruch in up if too big) and pin it out. You need lots of pins, as you need one about every inch, to stop it dragging. And then you press according to the directions on the ball band (but not the rib if it has one, or you will stretch it out of shape). I usually use a damp muslin nappy, over the garment and hover about a quarter inch above it with the iron. leave pinned out over night. In knitting, that’s called blocking, and it really finished the thing off. Worth doing carefully for a good finsh. HTH.
((((Jax)))) From reading your blog I think you’re doing a great job. You seem to try harder than anyone else I know, anyway. From the beat-yourself-up queen, take some advice: stop beating yourself up! I do it too, and its not good for either of us 😉
sorry, forgot to say that it’s your party & you should cry if you want to 🙂
I’m with Gill. And everyone else. And I do that emotional while reading books thing too, how embarrassing.
love you anyway 🙂
((((((((((((((((((Jax)))))))))))))))))))))))) – I’m going to cry when you go to work let alone anyone else LOL I will miss you in the daytimes but look forward to hearing from you at night – hope you will still be going to Melrose so we can chat loads – with lots of alcohol!!! Love K xxx
(((Jax))) do let me know if I can be of any help ok?
thanks everyone.
Joyce, that’s very helpful – where do I get rust proof pins from then? I’d wondered what blocking was. And a use for all those muslins, wonderful! 🙂
Rust proof pins – any decent craft/wool/haberdashery type shop should sell them. They are very pretty, usually. They come on a wheel thing, and are longer than normal pins, and have different coloured glass heads. In fact, the other names for them are knitters pins or glass-headed pins. usually cost about £2 a wheel, and I find three wheels are enough to have plenty.