All of life. All of me.

Mar 25, 2014

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I want to write about all of life here, but I’ve misplaced my words.

I’ve found some new ones. Old ones. Applying them differently, trying labels on for size.

Autistic. Does it fit? Does it feel odd? Do I feel better, worse, no different at all, wearing that label? I don’t know. I don’t know anything any more. I am overwhelmed, underwhelmed, worded out. I am the same, I am unchanged, the world is the same, but my place in it feels a little shaken.

Will you look at me differently? Or will you look at the label differently?

What does it mean to step towards a diagnosis after passing all my life for just a little awkward, socially clumsy, face challenged, all of these phrases that mean not quite up to scratch. And yet, and yet there are some things I do so very well. I can debug your computer program, spot the pattern in the data, see the connections all around us that seem to pass most people by.

(Why do people cut down trees and pave gardens and then wonder about bigger puddles?)

I have another place where I’m writing in more detail about me. Where I’m choosing different. Where I can stretch my understanding, explore my insides, without butting up against brand awareness or competitions or routines or memes or any of the things I have crammed into this place.

It’s cluttered this little blog. Like my life. My mind. My house. My browser. (I had nearly 50 tabs open. It has taken me an hour and a half to get it down to 20. If it takes that long to tidy up a browser, do you see why my house defeats me?)

What this means to me is that I can stop feeling that I have failed at being normal. I can recognise that I am not those things. That I do think sideways at some points. And do you know what? It might be different. But different isn’t wrong.

I’m not wrong. I’m not failed.

I am me. And now I can work out what that really means.

It’s where it is

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Comments

19 responses to “All of life. All of me.”

Susan Mann
26 March 2014
You are you. You are a beautiful person who is always there for people. Always willing to lend a hand and offer advice. A wonderful mother and good friend. You are you xxx
Reply
1. Jax Blunt
  26 March 2014
  Thank you Susan. That means a lot.
  Reply
2. PinkOddy
  26 March 2014
  Oooh yeh what she said – I’m useless at saying the right thing but know it when I see it.
  Reply
Mama Undone
26 March 2014
Normal is just a word with no true meaning or power other than what we ourselves put into it.
We’re all varying shades of unique and odd.
The only thing we should aspire to be is unashamedly ourselves .
Reply
1. Jax Blunt
  26 March 2014
  I have found that very difficult in the past.
  Reply
Anne-Marie
26 March 2014
You are you. And you are wonderful. The label doesn’t matter but it brings relief. The rediscovery of a life through a different lens. Being yourself at last. Less anxiety, less worry, less pushing who you are deep down inside. Cluttered sounds familiar (only 32 tabs here, but can’t see the carpet…) Virtual biggest hugs ever xx
Reply
1. Jax Blunt
  26 March 2014
  Life through a different lens. That’s good. Less hiding from myself. That’s good as well.
  Reply
Midlife Singlemum
26 March 2014
What’s normal anyway among 7 billion people in the world? I’ve not changed my opinion about you or attitude towards you one iota.
Reply
1. Jax Blunt
  26 March 2014
  Thank you.
  Reply
Louise
26 March 2014
If everyone was the same it would be a pretty boring world. You carry on being you and don’t worry about a label x
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wendy
26 March 2014
Normal is so overrated and it is good to be different. Great post x
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1. Jax Blunt
  26 March 2014
  Thank you.
  Reply
Ninjacat
26 March 2014
I’m like this I’m not sure I fit
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PinkOddy
26 March 2014
I’m sorry you feel this way as I think you do normal very well – but what is normal accept a setting on a washing machine. Good luck with your journey.
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Belinda
26 March 2014
Hi Jax, I’m pretty new to your blog so I’m not sure if this is very different to your usual posts, but it’s wonderfully honest and I imagine took courage to post. I much prefer it to sponsored posts and all the other stuff you mention that can create a lot of clutter, so I’m definitely going to check out your other blog. Stay strong and take heart – there’s no such thing as ‘normal’ (or if there is, it’s very, very dull!).
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looking for blue sky
27 March 2014
Sorry I missed this post, and maybe another one? Have you a diagnosis? If so it’s back to the advice that we give to parents – a diagnosis does not change the person, you’re still the wonderful Mum, friend and blogger that you were before. And one day I might check out a diagnosis for my socially awkward self too…
Reply
1. Jax Blunt
  27 March 2014
  The other writing is mainly on my other blog as linked though I’ve written here about my feelings of difference before.
  Reply
Fi Star-Stone
29 March 2014
Hello lovely lady.
You are you.
I am me.
Ya’ know- I don’t see you any differently now you have been given a diagnosis. If I told you I was OCD would you see me differently?
I’m not kidding here – I’m serious.
We are all unique. It’s what makes the world a wonderful, often scary-Mary but awesome place!
You’re awesome. But you were before.
Nuff said.
Reply
1. Jax Blunt
  29 March 2014
  I might understand you a little more, but I wouldn’t think of you differently.
  Thank you.
  Reply