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Parenting

The first song.

13th March 2020 by Jax Blunt 7 Comments

Parenting is full of firsts. First smile, first steps, first word (different children achieve these in different orders and at different ages, don’t panic).

What I’ve found unexpected is that the firsts don’t lose impact as your children get older. In fact, sometimes they’re greater. I’ve written before about being the unheard cheerleader, now my role is behind the camera, taking photographs and videos as two of my children take to the stage.

Not a theatrical stage. A musical stage. My social media followers will have seen that Alison has launched a career as a singer and songwriter. Her third single releases today, it’s called Letter from New York (and can be found on all streaming services, links to follow 😉 ).

It may be the third song that is released to the world, but it was the first one to be performed. Nearly two years ago now, she rehearsed with (NotSo)SmallTeen (who is a guitarist these days, and very much not small at all) and one of his guitar classmates and then got up on stage at the guitar school concert and performed it.

It wasn’t the smoothest of first performances. We hadn’t been completely organised about it being part of the show, so it wasn’t on the program, and I had to run over and give the compere a heads up before she went on, but it didn’t phase him in the slightest.

There were nerves. (Hers.) I was firm, she tells me, and encouraging, and the nerves were brought under control and not at all evident from my position in the audience. And there were tears. (Mine. Lots of them.) Yes, I weep. I cry when my children swim, perform, excel, achieve. I am a weeper. I go on filming, and taking pictures, and singing along under my breath (top tip, don’t do this when you’re filming. Unless you’re backing singer quality. Oops.) and I cry, and blot my eyes and smile and say no I’m not crying don’t be silly, and then I sniffle a little and get on with it.

I adore this song, partly because it was the first, but also because of the story it tells. And the way it tells the story. And because that first performance was so completely unexpected – we’d never heard her perform in a venue with a mic, and she totally stole the show. The compere, Wayne Bavin a local BBC dj, was extremely complimentary at the time and since, and that was the first external inkling that maybe I wasn’t just been a proud parent, and that actually, objectively speaking, this music is good.

Like I said, there are three songs out there now, and there have been gigs, and a festival performance, playlisting on spotify and radio airplay (this link should take you to the right bit of last night’s BBC Introducing in Suffolk). I know there are a lot more firsts to come yet, nobody told me that parenting a 20 year old would continue to be just as exhilarating and terrifying and emotional and unexpected as parenting is from day one. I thought I’d kind of get used to it.

I haven’t.

If you’ve a minute or two to go listen to her music, I’d really appreciate it, handy links below. Do try not to cry. (Can’t promise I won’t.)

Letter From New York On Spotify

Letter From New York on Apple Music

Letter From New York on Amazon Music

Letter From New York on Google Play

Letter From New York on Deezer

Letter From New York on Youtube Music

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Filed Under: Big, rhythm of the day, Uncategorised Tagged With: Alison Marchant, Firsts, Letter from New York, Parenting

A boy made of blocks by Keith Stuart

1st September 2016 by Jax Blunt 4 Comments

I kind of wanted to hate this book. Yet another story of an autistic boy, rescued from his lonely locked in state by some external power, this time in the form of a computer game.

But I didn’t.

I don’t entirely love it either. Repeated references to the autism scale, what is that? Spectrum, not scale. It isn’t linear. High functioning and low functioning are terminologies the autism community (yes, we have an active and broad ranging community built across social media) is rejecting. Along with the idea that it’s a disorder, or that we suffer from it.

But along the grounds that if you’ve met one autistic person, you’ve met one autistic person, I figure there probably are children kind of like Sam, fighting their way through an unforgiving world. And parents like Alex, wallowing in a pit of despair about the whole thing. And there has to be room for their stories too. The difficulty we all experience comes when they are the only stories told, as that reinforces the damaging stereotypes and stigmas that surround autism.

I’ve met a lot more than one autistic person. I am one, I live with at least a couple more, I’ve (lots of) autistic friends, have worked in care and support roles with adults and teenagers. There are some parts of this story that ring very true, but I struggled with how long the book takes to get to the interactions between Alex and Sam. The back story/ current situation is laid out with painful self indulgence it felt – it just took so very long to get to any point. Perhaps that’s intended to feed into Alex’s characterisation but I just wasn’t taken with it. It felt like hard work. 

However, the second half of the book is much better, and I’m pleased I persevered. We get to spend much more time with Alex and Sam together, and as we get to discover Sam, it feels like Alex does too. There are some lovely moments of insight and character development in Sam, largely based around the Minecraft referred to in the title Blocks. (If you don’t know much about Minecraft prepare for a crash course, it will probably be good for you.) Keith’s expertise in games and tech shows through in the understanding he has of the value of games like Minecraft, and the positive environment they can provide for children.

And, although some parts of the ending are kind of predictable, I totally admit that I was swept up in the emotions, and may have shed a tear or two (or even a few more) at what felt like the big climax at the end. (Turns out it goes on a bit after that, but loose ends irritate, so I’ll forgive the tidy up.)

All in all, I’m glad I read this one. Hope my perspective is useful 🙂

Available now at Amazon (affiliate link). Disclosure: I was supplied a copy for review.

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Filed Under: 2016, Book club Tagged With: autism, minecraft, Parenting

Be a happier parent with NLP by Judy Bartowiak

10th July 2015 by Jax Blunt 3 Comments

Judy Bartowiak - Be a happier parent with NLP)

buy at amazon

This may be an unexpected post to see on this blog – I’m not sure that I’ve ever reviewed or even mentioned a parenting advice book or manual previously. That isn’t because I don’t read them though it’s irregular, it’s more because I don’t believe any one system has all the answers. And that’s because I strongly believe that all children, and all parents are individuals. Which makes for a whole host of interesting dynamics 😉

Having said that, anything that boosts happiness for parents (as long as it doesn’t reduce happiness for children) has got to be a good thing. NLP (Neuro Linguistic Programming) is a type of coaching regularly applied in business, and in this workbook, it’s applied to parenting in much the same way.

The book starts with an introduction to NLP and where it sits in relation to things like TA (transaction analysis) and CBT (Cognitive behaviour therapy). It goes on to lay down some ground rules, like

There is no failure, only feedback.

Don’t know about you, but where parenting is concerned, I find that a hard one to take on board. I’m not sure whether the teenager would go for it either. But if it makes either of us more resilient, it would have to be thought of as a good thing. Anyone out there with any experience of this?

One that I’m really going to struggle to take on board though is

One word works wonders

My children do this. They walk into the room and bark “drink!” or “hungry!” or “biscuit”. The wonders that this works on me starts primarily with my blood pressure, which rises instantly. I say, that’s interesting, and maybe if you actually form a sentence, we’ll be able to do something about it. So I’d be rather hypocritical to start saying “teeth” or “homework” or “door” (to take the examples from the book). Is there a difference in my children communicating in single words to me doing it? I take on board the short and sweet command – I do have a tendency to the verbose (quiet at the back there!) but I think I’m going to stick with short direct sentences, rather than single words.

As you can see, I’ve already found food for thought in this book, and I hope you will do the same. If you’ve prior experience of NLP and parenting, I’d love to hear from you, and likewise if you think it’s all just twaddle 😉 Stick me a message in the comment box, or pop by on social media (icons in the sidebar).

Don’t forget to check out the rest of the blogs in the tour!

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Author Information:

Judy Bartkowiak (twitter) is the author of ‘Be a happier parent with NLP’ a guide to using life coaching skills to enhance your parenting. Judy and her husband Edward have four children and live in rural Berkshire with their dogs Roxy and Holly and nine hens.

She has an NLP training and coaching practice NLP Kids, specialising in child and parenting issues and runs Kids Brands Europe Email Judy  for your FREE mini book ‘Be a happier parent with NLP’ and apply code ‘Blog’ to get 10% discount off Judy’s books at NLP and kids books.

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Filed Under: Book club, review Tagged With: blogtour, Judy Bartowiak, NLP, Parenting

Parenting spoons

25th September 2014 by Jax Blunt 5 Comments

Not the parenting *of* spoons. Not quite.

parenting spoons

No, this is about the resources we all have. Anyone with chronic illness or disability has probably come across The Spoon Theory (If you haven’t, go read it. I’ll wait.)

Are we all caught up?

Now, I’m not going to say that parenting is like a chronic illness. It’s not. But I’m going to say that parenting is hard. Really, really hard. It doesn’t come with a manual, or a wall planner, and kids haven’t read the normal timelines so there’s no real way to work out what’s coming next. It’s exhausting.

And I’m going to hazard a guess that parenting when your executive function isn’t your strongest feature is just that little bit harder. (Yes, I’m talking about Aspergers again. I’m probably going to do that a fair bit from now on I’m afraid. At least until I understand a little better where it fits in me.) Basically, you have limited parenting spoons.

No, that doesn’t mean that my kids are neglected. They’re dressed (mostly, unless Tigerboy has stripped again). But the socks might not match. They’re fed, regularly. It’s even home cooked. (Again, mostly.) It might not be served at the time I planned, but it will be served. And over the course of a week, what’s offered will be fairly balanced. (What they eat is a whole other story. Sigh.)

They’re even home educated. Because I did obsessively research children’s learning styles, read widely, and drew conclusions long before I had children. (And it was particularly lovely when I had children to discover it really did suit them the way I thought it might.) And I might collect and hoard resources, particularly books, read constantly and support the development of education around interests (so if a child wants to submerse in minecraft, I can get with that. Although I also know that hauling them up from the depths for a change of pace every now and then can be a good thing.) so we’re mainly child led. Sort of led. You probably know what I mean.

No, it’s not the children that are neglected. And it’s not me either. I’m far too fond of food (chocolate!) to waste away, although I might regularly forget breakfast. For me, the housework suffers. There’s an occasional extreme blitz, but daily hoovering? Um, no. (Not least because the noise of the hoover is almost physically painful. So yes, I do brush the hall floor with a handbrush.) Paperwork is a nightmare. Which reminds me, must pay the council tax. Could someone remind me again at the end of the post? (Working memory of a goldfish.) Tax returns? Hollow laughter. The stress level. Aargh. (I may need tea to deal with the panicky feeling that is setting in just talking about it.)

Before I had children I was more organised. All bills were paid on time. I was punctual to work, where the amount of work I could achieve in a day was legendary. (Systems development was my dream job. Once the system was assimilated, by total immersion in code and documentation, I knew it rather better than the back of my hand. I rather miss computer programming, in my little supportive team, who understood coffee needs, and requirements for silence without interruption while working.)

Ah, interruptions. Here comes another one in the form of Tigerboy. He’s bringing me toys, which is lovely, but there goes my train of thought. What was I saying? And what was the point?

The point was to highlight the challenges of parenting with aspergers. (Not the challenges of parenting aspergers, that’s a whole different post, that I might get round to one day.) To work through some things about me and my life in the way that works best for me. And to ask for tips. Do you have any sure fire strategies for getting through your day without putting your clothes on inside out? Is a wall planner the answer? (Although what I really want is one of those big screen walls they have in the NCIS: LA ops room, where you can grab ideas of the screen and slide them around until everything fits. How cool? I might actually know which was was up with one of those. Worth a try, don’t you think?)

Note: there are helpful things on executive function, and parenting in Cynthia Kim’s book, Nerdy, Shy and Socially Inappropriate which you can find reviewed here, and buy at JKP books.or kindle UK or on amazon.com

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Filed Under: It's where it is Tagged With: aspergers., home education, Parenting, the spoonie theory

Living vicariously.

11th December 2012 by Jax Blunt 1 Comment

There’s a danger, when you have children, to try to have a second go at life through them. To have them do the things you wish you could have done, to be able to glory in their achievements secondhand.

It doesn’t work. Our children’s lives are their own, and we triumph most when we support them to be themselves, not live as pale shadows of us.

There’s another thing though I think all parents do, and that is to try to save our children from the mistakes we feel we made. This I think can have variable success. It only works here when I explain precisely how whatever it was went wrong for me, in brutal and embarrassing detail. So I get to relive the mistake in all its humiliating glory in order to prevent repetition. The things I do for my offspring.

Right at the moment things are going surprisingly well. We are being open and honest and negotiating what we all need from each other. We’ve devised a new system to help with the housework as shown here.

image

Yes, it is a wall covered with post its. Each one has a job on it, they all start on the left and get moved to whoever’s name did it on the right. High tech, I know, but whatever works. And big has started a new website to document what she’s learning about tech.

If this means that we can’t always do everything we had hoped, I guess that is the sacrifice we make. So we’ve annoyed that we are, communally, too tired to travel tomorrow, but we’ll find some way to make it up to our friends and we’re the better for confronting the difficulty.

We are learning.

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Filed Under: It's where it is Tagged With: housework, organisation, Parenting

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