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fear

What's it all for?

18th September 2017 by Jax Blunt 6 Comments

When I started blogtember, it was to kick start my writing again. And it’s worked – I’ve blogged every day in September.

It also hasn’t worked, because sitting at the kitchen table at 11 o clock at night, drooping with tiredness and yet not willing to go to bed because I haven’t blogged isn’t doing me, or you, the mythical reader, any favours at all. There are at least two posts in this sequence that are just there because I’m too stubborn to quit on a challenge.

And yet I’m also too stubborn to start some challenges. I still haven’t decluttered even the kitchen let alone the house. I wrote one article for the new business idea and then froze. The boom I started writing for write now live last year? Stalled at 20 pages.

Why am I so determined to complete things that will get me nowhere, and avoid things that might make a difference? What am I actually afraid of? Failing? Or succeeding?

I don’t really know any more. And I’m very very tired of it.

I might complete this challenge. I might decide that actually, it would be better to put the energy into something that might make a difference to our lives in terms of bringing in an income, or something that might make a difference to my self image by actually taking a shot at finishing something.

If I were you, I wouldn’t lay any bets on anything just yet. The one thing I am really, but *really* good at is is procrastination. (Anyone remember that series I was going to write on autism and burnout and all this stuff? Yeah, exactly.)

Hm. I think I might need to run through the compassion meditation I was just working through again. I seem to have let the compassion to myself bit slip through my fingers again.

This stuff is hard.

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Filed Under: autism Tagged With: autism, blogtember, fear, meditation, writing

The word of the day is Trust.

8th January 2013 by Jax Blunt 9 Comments

Regular readers will remember that before Christmas we were having some difficulties with Smallest and get swimming lesson. From being almost desperate to go, asking each morning if it was her turn yet, she’d had a complete reversal of attitude and completely lost her nerve. I put this down to a change of teacher and too many big capable children in the group.

Well, at the end of last week I got a call saying that her lesson slot had been cancelled, something to do with not having enough demand. I was offered a number of different times and chose the one that put her back with her original teacher, even though it meant scheduling something into my only completely free day.

Today was D day. Instead of telling her it was swimming, we told her she was going with Judy, and that if Judy wasn’t there we would come home. She kept repeating she was scared that they wouldn’t hold on tight, and I assured her Judy would.

It was Judy. She was pleased to see Smallest and I think rather shocked when she then burst into tears. I was almost crying myself as I explained the problem quickly. Judy took hold of her hand and said “I will hold onto you until you tell me I can let go.” She listened to my three year old, respected her feelings and dealt with the issue.

That was all it took. Within ten minutes Smallest was playing happily independently in the water again, trusting that she was being cared for. And I can feel confident that we are back to building skills and enjoyment instead of fear.

I’m really cross that we’ve been through this at all to be honest. But I’m so pleased that there is someone out there who thinks trust is important.

image

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Filed Under: Soa Tagged With: fear, swimming, Trust

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