It takes a village to raise a child, so I’ve heard. I’m not sure what you’re supposed to do if you can’t find that village.
I think (I’m guessing), if you’re using school, and it suits your family, child as well as adults, that might be a large part of your village ready built. I never realised how lucky we were where we lived before with the home ed contacts we made via email lists both nationally and locally – both children had friends, and I had mates, ppl I could drink tea (or other things ๐ ) with, and chat, and offload. Ppl who could look after my kids for a little while, taking the rough with the smooth and allowing me a little me space every now and then.
Not often. Maybe now that they are older we’d have got into swapping kids about more often, but they were fairly little back then, before we went into flexi-schooling and I was working and all that, and while Big had stop outs and so on, I don’t remember leaving Small for long very often.
It’s not the same here. While there *are* very lovely local home educators (you know who you are ๐ ) we haven’t any of us fallen into the same sort of relationships we had in Yorkshire. The children seem to be in between ages – Big is older than most of the others, Small falls in a gap of mainly girls. And the families already have their routines, their interests and to a large extent, their friendships, set up.
It’s not that they haven’t been welcoming. They have. We’ve had lovely times with lovely ppl. But I miss my long term easy friendships. I miss conversations that pick up where you left off months ago, explanations you don’t have to make, excuses you don’t have to give. I love living here, but today I had to face up to the fact that I’m lonely.
I realised because we had a lovely day out yesterday with Tim’s family, and it was the nearest thing I’d had to a day off in ages. There were other adults around who ran interference on all the children, and I was able to relax in the sun without worrying who was thinking what about whatever they were doing or saying. We are accepted there, and it was a weight off my mind that I hadn’t realised I was carrying.
So today, I’ve felt oddly down. Because now I know what I’m missing. I’m missing having friends. This location is great – it’s lovely to be able to walk easily to so many things. It’s scenic, we’ve got the seaside, there is everything that I could need. Except a mate.
Tim nailed it. He pointed out that through my life I’ve pretty much always had one or two (for want of a better phrase) close girlfriends. Which is odd, as I don’t think of myself as making friends with women easily, but he’s right, there have been a succession of close female mates. And here I haven’t got one. There are lots of ppl I chat with, nod to, pass the time of day with, but they all seem self-contained in their lives, and it’s only a chat and a nod in passing, half an hour or an hour during a swimming session, and that’s my lot. He also surmised that that is what’s behind the amount of time I spend on twitter. Just trying to find that social outlet, somewhere.
But I need a little more, actually irl. Tbh, I’ve no idea how I go about setting it up. Home education does complicate things a little, as does our family aversion to many group situations, and my excruciating shyness. And I think it might be part of Big’s current issue as well, that she hasn’t made close local friends, despite trying with swimming and brownies and guides. So we’re thinking about looking in to other avenues – maybe an art class for her. Perhaps I’ll try the WI (could do with learning to make jam). I might have made friends up at the allotment, but we’ve barely made it up there, and I have so much to do, I don’t think that’s going to change any time soon.
I’m going to have to work this one out. Now that I’ve given the problem a name, will the solution be easier to find?
Helen says
I miss you! We’re all missing you and the kids. If the hall doesn’t work for you, could we meet up elsewhere?
Jax says
perhaps as the weather gets better we’ll stray to some park meets? Playgrounds, beaches, that sort of thing the kids can cope with ๐
HelenHaricot says
hugs x x even when you are close, when your ‘group’ breaks up things can still be v difficult, so know a bit where you are at x x . sure you can’t pitch a tent near us this w/e?
Jax says
Am considering it, but have so much to do can’t spare much head space to the planning. If we don’t pitch am planning a day trip to see you though ๐
Carol says
I can identify with this feeling only to well.
We attend a group or two a week but having a friend to sit and have coffee with is nothing but a dream. The older two girls have friends but the parents of their friends don’t do well with small boisterous boys around. Then there are a couple of parents with kids Sebs age, but they have no older children so then the girls are a bit lost. Im in a no-mans land.
So no answers but do understand.
KNorman says
I think to find that closeness takes time and for me a home environment – though not necessarily my own!
What worked for me was when we found a small circle of home ed families that would meet up at each other’s houses one a fortnight. The other key was that as well as all home edding, we all have similar approach to parenting generally. And that the group is just as much about me seeing my friends as the children meeting theirs.
Before this group I hadn’t found a close group of friends that I felt a strong bond to, since University.
Rachael says
It’s funny, but with my four at school, I feel just the same. My two closest friends are working full time and it’s hard to see them as much as I’d like. When the children were smaller we used to get together, go to the park, sit and drink coffee whilst the little ones played in the garden – and yes, finish each other’s sentences and pick up conversations from months ago without thinking. It’s sad, because I think that as the children grow older you need that friendship and support even more.
As for the shyness thing – well, I used to be excruciatingly shy as a child. What helped was realising that everyone feels the same way – there are very few true extroverts out there. Most people are gritting their teeth and being brave when they look confident. I think the WI would be a lovely idea.
Merry says
For me, the massive link to feeling like I have close friends and real relationships is not so much people on my doorstep as the written link we have privately where we share ourselves more personally. I wish you would drift back in that direction; you are missed and I no longer feel like I know you so well because you are absent from that place.
It is true I value my local friendships, my work place and the opportunities I get for socialising around the girls but those are not fundamental to my well being. One long thread of silliness in that other place can make me smile longer and harder than anything else. Local real life is a fabulous icing.
With the demise of gym, the girls are missing those schooled friendships which they appreciated and I miss the mum chat. I definitely think of my village as those long term old yahoo group friendships though and I think the kids do too.
I am sorry you are lonely. It is not a good thing. I never found Pboro friendships aside from a very brief period of time. I’ve been lucky to get the people in Hunts. but I think I am quiet introverted and self sufficient too. I can entertain myself for long periods of time without needing to see people.
You are always welcome here and we can easily meet half way for days ๐ Say the word.
Merry says
Blimey, comment got eaten, not even moderated!
Jax says
oops – what on earth did you say?
Merry says
Nothing, not even so much as a link. Is it in spam?
Jax says
found it.
Kirsty says
*hugs* Jax. Miss having you around up here too xx
Jax says
thanks Kirsty.
Kirsty says
Agree totally with what Merry said ๐
Jan says
Miss you too x
Jax says
I’ve pondered this this evening. And I think I’m beginning to get it. I’m no good in groups. When we do camps, I struggle around the campfire – I don’t do off the cuff silliness, and I feel permanently a beat behind the laughter. In youth hostels I don’t do singalongs, and I have no daft commentary for film night. Similarly, in that other place, a long thread of silliness just leaves me feeling completely out of step, as I don’t understand the motivation and have nothing silly to add.
Think about it. Have you ever known me do that? A joke in person, perhaps. A sarcastic comment or a quickfire rant. A quote from a TV show, I can do all of these things. But it’s all borrowed hilarity, nothing self generated. I don’t do these things that other ppl do, I don’t know how to do them, and more and more as I see other ppl easily slipping into the banter, I just want to slink away, be it in person or online.
So no, that’s not what I’m looking for.
Perhaps if I had real life friendships, then that other place would be a comforting extra refuge, but I don’t, and it isn’t. I even find it difficult to read my rl friend’s blogs, because they so often talk about happy times seeing other ppl, and I don’t get to do that.
Bah, humbug.
The Mad House says
I so understand this feeling, I had a couple of decent friends back in Berkshire, but have not connected in any way with anyone here in Yorkshire. I feel isolated and I miss my mum as she had become a friend.
Life can be so hard and I have no answers
Jax says
Hugs. So difficult isn’t it? Would something like WI suit you maybe?
Tbird says
off the wall thought Jax, what about a running club? Or martial arts? Or Trefoil Guild (guides for grown ups, although you may well be a good 20 years too young for that yet!) Not taht they will help Big&Small much but maybe if you have a better social structure the rest will fall into place better?
I know what you mean about the isolation, I think it’s something that bites us all sometimes.
Em says
Wish I knew what to say *hugs* except reading this has made me feel very sad. But its not about me, and I guess there are all sorts of reasons that have prevented you finding your slot here. Or even your one friend.
Jax says
@Em it’s absolutely not about sharing out the sadness. I very much enjoy spending time with you – I only wish all of our children felt the same way about it. But they don’t, and there are lots of reasons, like you say, that I haven’t quite meshed here, and maybe there isn’t going to be a one friend, and maybe I’ll just have to come to terms with that and get on with whatever I do have. Thank you for commenting.
E says
Just wanted to send hugs and empathy and wish we lived closer x
Jax says
@E I think I would enjoy that too.
Elizabeth says
I so understand this. I’ve been here 10.5 yrs and still don’t have a friend, nor do we have any ‘family friends’, and his closest relative is 200 miles away. Never really bothered me till the kids were sick this winter and I realized I had absolutely no one in this country that I could call on for help, or even just a someone to talk about what was going on. Mind you we have lots of lovely acquittance’s, but not really any friends to call at 11pm when you need to rush a child back to hospital.
Jax says
That is tough, not having anyone who could help at that time. You might be surprised by some of those acquaintances though – when I was heavily pregnant I bumped into one of Big’s Brownie friend’s mothers in town, and on hearing that Tim was away, she pressed her mobile phone number into my hand and demanded I call if anything started…perhaps we should open up a little more and let ppl in more?
Elizabeth says
We don’t really know anyone in the town area–all HE things we go to are at least 15 miles or more away–kids don’t do local group things where I even know who the kids are, never mind the parents. I know a few HE folk would help–but it’d have taken them 1/2hr to get here. I did ask my neighbours without the slightest hesitation though that they would help out. But they are in their mid-70’s, so though I know they are there and we always enjoy a nice chat–we aren’t going to be ‘mates’. They are lovely with my kids though, treat them like their own grandkids, and they have almost 30 of those! ๐
Jax says
I’m glad you’re not completely alone though, even if you’re rather lacking in mates.