A lot of the time if I put soa down and sit back down in my chair, she gets really unhappy. She can still see me, and smell me, and I think she can’t quite understand why she should be in the (relatively) hard, cold chair when she could be on a warm comfortable lap. She’s a lot like a cat that way. And if she’s awake and on my lap, she can’t quite see why she shouldn’t have a nipple in her mouth, not that she’s hungry, you understand, but just in case…so she mouths and nibbles and arches her back and we make each other not quite as happy as we could do.
Part of the problem is that I don’t want to put her down. I’m not a very tactile or touchy feely person. I don’t tend to cuddle up to my children much at all, to my shame. (If I have one regret with how I’ve brought up children so far, it’s that I still haven’t worked out how to just be spontaneously physical with them.) But soa is so easy to cuddle. Her head fits beautifully into the crook of my arm, her body stretches easily across my lap. If I sit her with her back to me she nestles nicely into my saggy midriff, and her little hands, oh I could go into rhapsodies about her hands. So soft, so delicate, and yet such a strong grip, with long, long perfect fingers. Usually cool against my warmer hands (or freezing against my breasts in the middle of the night!) and such relaxation and trusting! You don’t get that in adults – I don’t think we can relax to that extent, we carry our years as tension in our muscles. Babies are like cats, they can relax completely, and when they stretch, their whole bodies are involved.
And I know that babies don’t last long. They soon become toddlers and while they might still be cuddly, they don’t fit into your arms quite so neatly. soa snuggles into my shoulder – I think Small was too long for that, and I don’t remember ever trying it with Big. (I wish I could step back in time 10 years and give my pregnant self some advice. It would be to relax and enjoy it more, and maybe Big wouldn’t have been quite so screamy with me, as I’m sure part of her unhappiness was my tension.) When she snuggles she rubs her soft downy head against you and it’s such a wonderful feeling.
I love carrying her in the sling – making sure her head is high enough to kiss, and I do a lot of kissing. She really is quite amazingly kissable. Skin is ever so soft and she is just perfect from head to toe, with dreamy blue eyes that gaze at you, and a camera shy smile.
I’m really enjoying babyhood with this baby. I wish I’d known how to enjoy it with the others, but perhaps some of my pleasure can still spill out onto them in the shape of a better tempered, happier mother all around.
This wasn’t where I was going with this post when I wrote the title. I was going to explain how I am realising that walking away and letting someone else settle her means I can get a little of something else done, like tonight when I went into the kitchen and made cauliflower cheese for tea, *and* did the washing up. But instead I got carried away in writing down the things I want to remember. I haven’t managed to capture even a fraction of them, but I’m going to keep trying. I hope you’ll be patient with me, and just skip these bits if you don’t enjoy them.
Merry says
AAAAh, but i do like them – i like hearing that you are enjoying her. I didn’t really get to that until my 3rd either – it seemed all a lot easier that time. And i adored it with Josie. Now i’m mostly hoping i haven’t forgotten or got too used to my independence to enjoy it again.
Keep enjoying.
Lisa says
I won’t be skipping any post like that! Beautiful. I am so glad you are able to appreciate these moments with soa and have a little time every now and then to record them here. Reading this also makes me want to go and snuggle up with Nudi, so thank you 🙂
HelenHaricot says
awww, that is really lovely jax.
.-= HelenHaricot´s last blog ..By: HelenJ =-.
Nic says
That was beautiful Jax, quite the loveliest thing I think I ever read that you’ve written.
Anni says
aw, Jax is in love all over again!!! Lovely to read!
Clare says
Beautiful post Jax, loved reading it. Babies are exactly like that… although I do dream of being able to do the washing up…
.-= Clare´s last blog ..“Rise in under-6s excluded from schools and nurseries for violence†=-.
Helen says
Please don’t put the baby down, continue to enjoy and treasure her and let us share that through your posts – and perhaps in person sometimes 😉
mamacrow says
oh my god, most beautiful post EVER, i was in tears by the end!
with this number six baby I am finally FINALLY truly ‘getting’ the whole sit with them thing… I mean, I always cuddled my babies, and slung them and all that but there was definitly a ‘thank goodnes I can get on!’ element to the slinging…
truly, the dishes will always be there, the babies – won’t. or at least, not in this delectable snuggly size…
someone tweeted recently – ‘babies are small so you can hold them. So hold them!’
love that 😀
.-= mamacrow´s last blog ..I’ve got my new boots on… =-.
Michelle says
How could anyone not enjoy posts like this? Lovely.
Jem says
Lovely! Thanks Jax. As a dad of a new baby it’s really nice to read ‘the other side’ when expressed so eloquently.
x x x
.-= Jem´s last blog ..The impact of the impact assessment =-.
Christina Springer says
Lovely, Jax! I wish that I’d been able to walk away. Suddenly now that Win is in his own bed, I’m trying to figure out how to cuddle my husband. The hair isn’t as soft. It doesn’t fit just quite so under my chin. He is hard, not soft. He doesn’t fit into the curves of my body like a teacup in a saucer.
And this is good. He is my husband. The baby – Win – is still a baby. And each get their own time in my arms.
But, still, I have to fight for holding my husband more than I ever had to fight for holding my son. We always let him be the baby between us. And he knows -within reason – he deserves to be that soft, tender place connecting us regardless of the time of day or night.
I wish I’d put him down more. Then again, I’m happy with my choice as much as I am proud of yours.
(Okay – that made no sense – back to your regularly scheduled programming…)
Swiss Clare says
What’s not to enjoy about a post like that? Makes me long for May. Thank you.
.-= Swiss Clare´s last blog ..A Plea =-.
Sarah says
what they all said 🙂 Lovely, and totally as it should be 🙂
.-= Sarah´s last blog ..I seem to be getting old =-.
Allie says
Lovely 🙂
.-= Allie´s last blog ..Another letter to our MP =-.
Gill says
Fabulous post 😀 Gotta love baby love. Great to read you being so happy at last xx
.-= Gill´s last blog .. =-.
Elizabeth says
Lovely! Yes–more posts like this!! I’m so happy you are having this special time! I was so lucky with my two-I could sit and hold them all day if I so desired–And I did! –Some may say I was just lazy–I hold out that I was just in awe of the babies! 😉
Hazel would have screamed the house down if I walked away. She was quite happy sitting/laying right beside me, so long as we were within a few inches of each other–any further and she wasn’t having it! (She happily went to anyone–she just needed to be near a person!)
.-= Elizabeth´s last blog ..Password for Family posts =-.
Lins says
A huge congratulations on your new arrival! (a bit late catching up here!)
Yes, isn’t it lovely that each baby has something new to teach us, and that we can find ourselves more and more open to the wonder and wonderfulness of it all.
You’ve put it all so beautifully – thanks for sharing it.
x
Michelle says
@swiss clare May??? :-).
Jax says
see, this is why you need to keep up with facebook!
Michelle says
So it would seem. I rely on blogs! Still lovely news though :-).
Hannah says
Lovely post Jax :o)
I remember how newborn Cameron taught me to stretch and relax and show emotion. Before he was born I could yawn, stretch or even cry in such an insular way that a person sitting next to me wouldn’t even know. It was a revelation to me to see him yawning with his entire body etc.
More posts of things you want to remember will be a treasure to read x
.-= Hannah´s last blog ..Feeding the birds and pondering on Winter =-.
Hannah says
Urgh and I’ve done the smiley thing again! Sorry
.-= Hannah´s last blog ..Feeding the birds and pondering on Winter =-.
sally says
Hi Jax. This post resonated with me, as I find myself not naturally tactile as I wasn’t parented by a tactile parent and didn’t really learn it. However, having felt that sort of regret you mention, I taught myself just by doing what didn’t come naturally until it felt natural. It is doable and enjoyable in the process. It seems to make a huge difference to our day if everyone has had enough cuddles … but believe me, I’m done by the time they are all asleep! No cuddles left for DH for sure!
I wish I could go back 22 years and give my pregnant self that sort of advice … and about not expecting a 2 year old to go to sleep, in a separate room, and stay there until she is asleep. I remember a lot of nights with Bexi that were less than happy, whilst I sat the other side of the door crying because I was doing what I ‘had’ to do and it felt so wrong.
I’m learning to gaze at my big kids the way I gazed at them as babies. It’s a work in progress, but a good aim.
You are making me broody too! Dangerous!
x