I think you want to try to contact him and to let him know about soa. I think I would, so he has the choice to continue not to seek contact, but then it would be his choice.

My Nan tracked her dad down after no contact for some extraordinarily long time like 30 years. His wife had died by then and he welcomed the contact the wife had not encouraged. My mum suddenly got a Grandad again and my sister and I suddenly got a Great Grandfather. Was most odd but was very much all right.

I think relationships with parents are either simple, complicated or non-existant. Simple is clearly easy, complicated is self-explanatory but at least you have a say, non-existant can be because of death, active choice or just a drifting away. If it’s death then it is very sad but again, no choice, if it’s through active choice then as long as you are okay with that then it can be very healthy or very unhealthy, but if it is through drifting away then there is the possibility of regrets at some point. Having been through no-contact for active choice reasons with Ady I know that he has had to work through potential regrets. The harsh question he has asked himself is ‘if I were to learn my mother was dead tomorrow, is there anything I would regret not having said / asked?’ The answer in his case is no. If the answer in your case is yes I would urge you to chase up those leads and find your Dad and ask those questions / say those things. Then at least you get to categorise it as ‘active choice’.

People eh? Bloody complicated beings…

I think perhaps wanting to stand up for him as a child is understandable, because it would feel better to do that than feel abandoned.

And that to decide consciously to be emotionally walking away now, rather than ignored again, is also a right and valid approach.

Ouch. (((Jax))