I have a small problem.

This is not me.

this is not me

Well, obviously it is me. But it isn’t.

You see, I don’t look like that. Not in my mind’s eye. I look more like this.

though possibly skinnier. And less blurry. With better lighting ;)

So where has she come from, this woman in the mirror? She catches me by surprise on a daily basis as I’m leaving the living room, jumping out at me from the mirror as I cross the hall. She follows me around all day, weighing me down and making me feel old and frumpy when I have to put on clothes that just don’t fit right, or if they fit, don’t look like anything I’d ever choose!

I’m back in my own jeans, and getting close to my even skinnier trousers, but my lovely velvet Christmas skirt doesn’t fit, and my top half doesn’t seem to have got the 9 months on, 9 months off message. (We’re coming up hard on the 9 months now, and I’m still well over a stone heavier than I was before I was pregnant.) I know that breastfeeding has some overhead, but I still don’t like it.

And I look around at these (lovely) children around me and I wonder sometimes where they came from too. I mean, I know where they’re from, but at the same time, I can’t quite work out how I got from being that kid not long out of university to being a mother of three, at home with the children, doing things like washing, and shopping, and cooking from scratch.

What happened to changing the world? Becoming a writer? Making a difference?

It appears to have fallen by the wayside somewhere in the last decade.

It’s not that I have regrets about my life, with the whole family and having children thing. I don’t, I’m very happy. It’s just that there are other things I wanted to do as well, and I’m a little surprised to find myself here now without having done them. So it’s time to start, now, doing them.

I’ve started a new personal challenge. It’s the Artist’s Way or the highway, each morning. I either run (a very short distance atm!) or I do the morning pages and when those two new activities are set in as as habits, I’ll choose some more things to change.

I’d like your support. And if there are things you’d like to start new or change in your life, I’d like to support you too.

So if you do feel like joining in, leave a comment, and if enough ppl want to, I’ll set up a linky. (Oh, and I’ve set this post to allow trackbacks, so if you want to link back here, you can and it’ll link to you too.) I’ll post my update sometime next week and you can let me know how you are doing too and we’ll see where we go from then. (You never know, if ppl want to join in, I might even get around to creating a blog badge ;) )

Here’s to living otherwise :)

About Jax Blunt

I'm the original user, Jax Blunt I've been blogging for ten years, give or take, and if you want to know me, read me :)

Comments

  1. I’m up for this! Posting this comment from bed, so I’ll write again in the morning!!

  2. Hiya Jax :-) love your post , it did make me smile, i have a similar woman lurking in my house too !!
    .-= dawny´s last blog ..Recipes – Microwave Flapjacks Recipe =-.

  3. “What happened to changing the world? Becoming a writer? Making a difference?”

    You know what, with this amazing blog and all the subjects you cover I think you are actually doing these things right now :)

    I could also do with losing weight and getting fitter – off to look at your links…
    .-= Lucy´s last blog ..sweet things =-.

  4. Oh lord, I totally know how you feel. I’m hoping that with setting up the business I’ll finally have an outlet for this kind of thing. Hoping! xx
    .-= Vonnie´s last blog ..Who switched the lights out =-.

  5. If it helps at all, you don’t actually look like that top picture, I thought so when I saw it the first time.

    I look, bizarrely, too much like I did in the sixth form for my own comfort. But older, greyer and fatter. But I haven’t really evolved.

    Yes, I’m working on some changes. I’ll think on. And cheer on.
    .-= Merry´s last blog ..Music- movement &amp painting in circles =-.

  6. I know what you mean about who you think you are c.f. how you appear on the outside. Hmm…

    http://www.43folders.com/ used to be full of productivity pr0n, but is now more about how to actually create things, i.e. filing and orgaanising systems are all very well but they are a means to an end. I hope the morning pages clear away the weeds for you.

    I hope you find enough time regularly to develop / discover a new version of yourself.

  7. I shall cheer you on and I shall put a bit of thought into what I am going to do for me too. I think the drawing course needs to come back off the shelf really.

    And no, you don’t look like that picture…. really, honestly you look a hundred times better than that!

  8. A very inspirational post, Jax, thank you. I too have a total stranger in the mirror and find myself doing a double take when I walk past shop windows. I too have things which should have happened, must have happened, were such a certainty when I was 18, 19, 20…and didn’t happen. I wish you well with your life changes and am off to ponder some of my own.
    .-= Nikki´s last blog ..A Stressful June- Moving On =-.

  9. I’ll cheer you on, but your challenge is way more than I would ever set myself!! I am not the woman I imagine myself to be either. Strangely, other than being too many sizes larger than I care to mention and lacking the motivation to do very much about it, I am actually living my life in a much MORE fulfilled way than I ever imagined back then…
    There are things in my ‘bucket list’ that 7 (soon to be 8) children simply make impossible/unaffordable, but I hopefully will do them ~ one day!
    .-= Caroline´s last blog ..Butterflies 4 =-.

    • @Caroline yes, in some ways I feel more fulfilled than I thought I might, but it doesn’t stop me wanting to make a few little changes too…

  10. that’s weird my eight turned into a smiley!
    .-= Caroline´s last blog ..Butterflies 4 =-.

  11. I’ve been thinking a bit lately about colleagues who are dinkies, have iPhones and/or Lotus Elises etc. The image I have is when you start out from college you’re like a racing car, able to charge through life dramatically. Over time, at least if your life is like mine, getting more and more children means you turn into the tractor part of a lorry. Still powerful, but pulling a heavy load means you travel more slowly.

  12. It’s not just dinkies though Bob, I’m really noticing lately how families in which both parents work (for proper money ;-) ) have fancy holidays! And I can’t say it inspires nice feelings in me or that I always feel that what I’m doing is enough to offset 2 weeks in Vietnam. Blah.
    .-= Alison´s last blog ..Just squeezing in before a month is up … =-.

    • @Alison it’s funny living here – we walk past the hotel we used to stay in when we had two incomes and one child! Sometimes I miss those days, but not often. Although I would like a really good holiday somewhere exotic one of these years.

  13. Hi Jax,Love your post.I think many of us out here can identify with you and all that your post says and more.I looked at myself and all i have in my life and rightly or wrongly am proud of what i have,but also think the many things left undone.I have done a bit of re inventing of myself.20 years ago i would have been Goth. But friends and family stopped me from been myself with opinions and downright nastiness.Now i dont care im going to be me.Still heckled by some but who cares.
    Is this i ask myself what is called mid-life crisis ?
    Or there more to it ?
    Have you or will you be changing anything in your lives ? Will there be opposition ????

    • @Jayne I have wondered if this is my version of a midlife crisis but it feels more positive than that. I am changing me, and I have plenty of support rather than opposition thankfully :)

  14. Been to the gym 4 times this week – which must be a record. Does that count?

  15. Oh – and I love the Artist’s way!

  16. slightly off at a tangent, but.. Today, I met up with friend I was at school with. We havn’t seen each other since we were at school, we worked out it must have been aproximately 20 years.

    She said – ‘you havn’t changed!’

    Obviously meant as a compliment.

    Except I was left sitting there thinking – great. You look all grown up and beautiful and glamourous now, and I look like – a gawky awdward school girl still?! Gee Thanks!
    .-= mamacrow´s last blog ..Mods n Rockers =-.

  17. love this post i feel like i’m still 16 sometimes and i certainly don’t look like it either! I’m trying to loose a bit of baby blubber too and i’ve been making small changes too. Good luck hun xxx

  18. I need to get back to using my rebounder again – inches I lost are creeping back on. AND I still have to get started properly on the artists way. So shall cheer (probably mostly silently, but cheering all the same!) you on, and try to be motivated by you!

    Oh and FWIW I think you have changed the world even if you don’t notice the change yourself.

    • @Tech thank you. I guess I was hoping for something a little more visible, but still time I hope ;) Do keep us updated on the bouncing.

  19. Good luck to you with this. I know exactly how you feel about how you look – I feel no different to the (slightly plump) person I was prior to pregnancy. Cept now I’m two stone heavier. Get caught out by surprise when I catch sight of myself too. Recently started running three times a week – the couch to 5k programme. Going well till I got a cold and felt less motivated… Your post has reinspired me – thanks. And good luck!

    • @Jenny glad to be of help – hope your training is going well. If I ever get through my personal week 0 I hope to be able to follow C25K too.

  20. A great post which I can totally relate too.

    The person I see in the mirror is definitely not me. I have no idea who she is but I wish she would release my thinner, younger self who she is holding hostage!

    Thanks for the link to The Artist’s Way. I’d never heard of it before and it looks really interesting.

    Good luck with your new habits. I’m cheering you on and may even join in…
    .-= Ann´s last blog ..Nature – The Gallery Week 21 =-.

  21. Wow-is this timely. I just started running a week ago and my best friend has bought the artists way for me (but two months later still have not seen her)
    .-= Susie´s last blog ..Being On Time Is Being Respectful Of Yourself And Others =-.

    • @Susie ooh synchronicity! Love a bit of that. Hope you’ll keep on letting me know how you’re going with it. You know that you can find the basic tools bit of the Artists way free online (I think I linked in the post?)

  22. “What happened to changing the world? Becoming a writer? Making a difference?”

    I wonder this a thousand times a day.

    • @Shirah I think the only way to stop wondering is to start doing, but it’s oh so very hard some days. Thank you for stopping by, hope you’ll come join in when I sort out a linky.

  23. (catching up, so reading backwards)

    Oh, this post is me. Most worryingly, recently I’ve seen myself in my oldest and I’m wondering who the old fat person is. I can’t quite believe that in October it’ll be 20 years since I started university.
    .-= Rachael´s last blog ..growing children in the garden =-.

    • @Rachael I keep looking at Big and wondering…occasionally I see a glimpse of myself in there, though not sure I was ever quite as gorgeous as she is! Only 20 years? I’m a couple past that sadly.

  24. I am totally up to it! I love the Artist’s way!
    http://www.dwivedi2326.blogspot.com/
    .-= Tarunita´s last blog ..30 Day of Truth – Day 4 =-.

  25. A great plan I wish you every success with it. I have a problem with writing, once I start I just can’t stop. I tried for a while to keep a diary. I found myself writing for three hours of an evening. My husband was not amused. Nor I, come to think of it, when the alarm went off.
    I am trying to motivate towards more sport. Hard doing it on your own.
    .-= Sarah´s last blog ..Rude awakening =-.

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  5. [...] will be rectified. I think it’s partly because I *am* (still) going through a body crisis at the moment. I think it’s natural. I’m putting my baby [...]

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