What’s it all for?

When I started blogtember, it was to kick start my writing again. And it’s worked – I’ve blogged every day in September.

It also hasn’t worked, because sitting at the kitchen table at 11 o clock at night, drooping with tiredness and yet not willing to go to bed because I haven’t blogged isn’t doing me, or you, the mythical reader, any favours at all. There are at least two posts in this sequence that are just there because I’m too stubborn to quit on a challenge.

And yet I’m also too stubborn to start some challenges. I still haven’t decluttered even the kitchen let alone the house. I wrote one article for the new business idea and then froze. The boom I started writing for write now live last year? Stalled at 20 pages.

Why am I so determined to complete things that will get me nowhere, and avoid things that might make a difference? What am I actually afraid of? Failing? Or succeeding?

I don’t really know any more. And I’m very very tired of it.

I might complete this challenge. I might decide that actually, it would be better to put the energy into something that might make a difference to our lives in terms of bringing in an income, or something that might make a difference to my self image by actually taking a shot at finishing something.

If I were you, I wouldn’t lay any bets on anything just yet. The one thing I am really, but *really* good at is is procrastination. (Anyone remember that series I was going to write on autism and burnout and all this stuff? Yeah, exactly.)

Hm. I think I might need to run through the compassion meditation I was just working through again. I seem to have let the compassion to myself bit slip through my fingers again.

This stuff is hard.

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